1.10 How To Lose A Job In 10 Ways

“Hey Skylah, I really don’t feel like working anymore.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I don’t really have to. My parents have everything covered. I’ll go to college on their dime and do nothing with my degree because my mom has a friend or an uncle or a next door neighbor who will get me a gig that will pay more in a year than you make in a lifetime.”

“Oh, I see.”

“So, I don’t feel like keeping this job that I only got because I was bored/wanted to buy a new pair of shoes/had to so I looked like I have a work ethic to my parents/person I am dating/friends.”

Okay, so this conversation didn’t actually happen although it mind as well have. In an effort to help my silver spoon victims, I am prepared to create this to-do list. A sure fire way to lose that job you really don’t want/need. So here goes:

  1. Show up late. REALLY late. If at all possible, saunter in as if you’re early and if anyone asks what happened, just respond with “what up b***h pfft, what crawled up your ass?”
  2. Show up wearing booty shorts. (If you work at hooters or a strip club, this might get you laid a promotion so consider your location before doing this one). When someone mentions your scandalous attire, be sure to make the dumb doe face and say “oh my goodness, gee whiz…I had no idea.” Bat your eyes A LOT! (Boys, don’t be afraid to use your lashes).
  3. Fixate on one task and do it for your entire workday. If you work in retail, fold the same set of clothes. If you work in an office, copy the same set of papers. If you work in food service, fold napkins (leave out the silverware). Remember, you have to do this ALL DAY! If someone comments on your work, reply with “Oh, I like to do this at home all the time. I even do it at my friends houses.” Immediately continue to do what you were doing. Add in a smile if possible.
  4. Call out at the exact moment you should be at work 10 minutes AFTER you are supposed to be at work. Make sure your excuse is something solid like your house just exploded, your car is being impounded in five minutes, you have your period. (Boys, use the last one!!!)
  5. Call around to see if a shift can be covered, in advance. Then call on the day you are supposed to work and tell your boss your grandma/mother/aunt/puppy/ex-boyfriend is dying. This only works if you didn’t get the shift covered. It works even better if you tell the people you asked the real reason. Odds are it will get back to management and you will look like the tool you are. Hope grandma doesn’t die. Douche.
  6. Imply Say a manager lied. The bigger the lie, the better. Even better, tell the manager you are speaking to that they themselves are the ones that said your made up lie. Just talk to them like you had some imaginary conversation. “You don’t remember telling me to take a week paid vacation? Well, you should. You said it. You don’t remember? Well, trust me, I was there.”
  7. Ask to take your lunch at a very specific time. Show some urgency. When asked why you need it changed, preferably when someone else is scheduled to go, tell your manager you have a job interview. Try to deliver this line as you stand around, doing absolutely nothing.
  8. When a manager asks you to do something, tell them you don’t feel like it you have an allergy. Dishes, paperwork, customer service, answering the phone, filing, etc. I’M ALLERGIC! Feel free to add some sass to this one. Offer a doctors note if they show doubt. Grab a piece of paper, preferably an important work document, flip it over and write “YOUR NAME is allergic to TASK.” Sign ‘Doctor Nunyabiznazz!’ (Don’t leave out the exclamation).
  9. If you’re in customer service, AVOID customers. Period.
  10. Act very strangely be yourself.
Do steps 1-10 and repeat if necessary. Its a full time job, for some, to lose a job. So, really go for it. Don’t hold back. If all else fails, call your boss something pretty harsh. Start with a c and end with unt. They usually don’t like that. Hope this helps. It’s been a pleasure.
And I now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress…
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2 comments on “1.10 How To Lose A Job In 10 Ways

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