1.12 – How To Guarantee No Second Date

“Hey Skylah, I’m unemployed now! Thanks for the help!”

(See Post 1.9)

“Glad I could be of service.”

“I’m still in trouble.”

“What seems to be the problem, my dependent weirdo friend.”

“I’m going on a date with the person I’ve been talking to for a little while and I really don’t know what to talk about. What, oh what, shall I do?”

“I’ve got you covered.”

  1. THE EX: Talk about the ex A LOT! The more details the better. Reminisce about your first date, that thing he/she did that really annoyed you, the fond and not so fond memories you shared. Include the ENTIRE breakup into the conversation. Don’t hold back the tears. Let the flood gates open. Your date will think you’re a complete psycho  super sensitive.
  2. FAMILY DRAMA: Try to cover dads alcoholism, moms latest welfare scam, your cousins numerous DUI’s, any of your siblings drug convictions. Don’t forget that creepy uncle that hangs out at girl scout meetings. This is a sure fire way to make someone not want to marry into the family. If your family is lacking any interesting stories – make some up. Take something from the tabloids; your brother is on trial for assisting in the overdose of a racially confused pop icon. The bigger the story, the better.
  3. POLITICS AND RELIGION: Don’t even talk about this. Show your passion right off the bat. Bring pamphlets or the religious book of your choice. Wear buttons supporting candidates from your favorite political party. Impersonations are also acceptable.
  4. YOUR NEED TO MARRY/HAVE KIDS: Make a deadline and stick to it. Ask your date what their schedule looks like in nine months. Dating is all about preparation. Bring swatches of your desired wedding color scheme and perhaps a baby naming book.
  5. YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS, LATEST ITCHY OUTBREAK, INFECTION: Anything dealing with your nether regions is fair game. In-grown hairs can also be used if you still want to try to get some.
  6. YOUR LATEST “I WAS SO WASTED I…” STORY: This story, real or made up, should include lots of alcohol/drugs, the police, a car chase, and waking up beside someone of the same/opposite sex. It helps if you don’t know the name of the person.
  7. STAR WARS, STAR TREK, WoW, LORD OF THE RINGS, TWILIGHT REFERENCES: Calling your date ‘Scotty,” and “my precious.” (Only do the latter in the creepy voice, hunched over, in front of other people). Sprinkle your date with glitter and shout “real men sparkle.” (If you’re a guy, this is a almost guaranteed to get a reaction).
  8. YOUR COSMETIC REGIMEN: Hair, nails, makeup, plucking, tweezing, waxing, shaving, straightening, curling, stuffing, kegels, and tucking. Details – it is all in the details.
  9. THE LATEST GROSS THING YOUR PET/CHILD DID: Puke, pee, blood, stitches, poop, nasty gas and tantrums are all great conversation starters. Textures and smells – don’t skim on the details here.
  10. YOUR PARENTS: Guys – Talk about how your mother does everything PERFECTLY. Girls – Talk about how your father does everything like ‘a real man.’ If your date does something, no matter what, say “oh, well my mother/father would have done it differently.”
Dating is not about being someone else. It’s about being you on your best behavior. So show your date what you are made of. Then, sit by the phone and wait…they’ll call. Really, they will. Maybe. Okay, so they won’t, but you had fun, didn’t you? Meh, better luck next time.
Hit all ten and you’ll qualify as a one date wonder. Congrats: unemployed and single. You didn’t want to share the remote anyway.
You’ll thank me later.
By skylah1053 Posted in Humor

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