Somehow, these posts are turning into lists of sarcastic tirades. I’m hoping for inspiration beyond the annoyance factor, although there is always an abundance of things that irk me in the world. Let me correct myself here. I find a lot of beauty in the world. It just so happens that I share the same breathing space with particular individuals that make me want to beat them with a dripping wet baby seal. Since I am in no way close to a baby seal, I will continue to bang my head against very hard walls until I lose consciousness or until these people begin to look like pretty flowers to my mush ball of a brain.
So here goes – just a short list of people who have irked me this past week.
- People who cough as they walk by while I am smoking. Oh, I’m sorry. Was I standing anywhere near you? No, no I was not. I was minding my own damn business 50+ feet away from any doorway. I’m following the laws so why not just shut your face and fall down that flight of stairs. Bet fake coughing will be the least of your problems then. It’s always that *hand to chest followed by two emphasized coughs* Bet you’ll be coughing harder when I flick this ash in your gaping hole of a mouth. Move along.
- People who DO NOTHING but act like they know everything when someone else is around. What exactly have you done for the past hour? Oh, nothing, that’s what. Now feel free to delegate to the naive newbie. I hate your face more and more by the minute.
- People who order food, sit down, eat it, flip through twelve books they have no intent of buying, THEN leave all the books and used cups and dishes on that table. This is not a five star restaurant sweetheart. Pick up after yourself. ANY HOW THE HELL DID CHEESECAKE END UP ON THE CHAIR? Seriously? I wonder what your house looks like. I guess this means wealth does not equal cleanliness.
- People who adjust their crotch as if I didn’t notice. You would think it’s only guys but I’ve caught many ladies doing the funny walk to fix their drawers. That’s what a bathroom is for. AND WASH YOUR NASTY HANDS! I do not need to touch anything that has your crotch aura on it. Thank you kindly.
- Facebook updates that go like this: Monday – I think I like you. Tuesday: OMFG I LOVE YOU. Wednesday: Life is perfect. Thursday: Men suck. He hasn’t returned my calls. Friday: I knew you were scum. Saturday: I HATE MY LIFE! Sunday: Omg, he’s so sweet, I knew he was the one blah blah blah. Your love is schizo and I would rather be spared. It’s not that he’s suddenly awesome again, he just smartened up on his cheating skills. Moron.