1.17 – Every Time You…

If you like cute things, don’t read this. If you are affiliated with PETA in any way, don’t read this. If you one of those whiney, sensitive people…you got it – don’t read this.

Are they gone yet?

Sweet, now we can talk about them.

But seriously, now it’s time for another FTN! rant/people I highly dislike moment. There seems to be a lot of them. You’re going to start getting the wrong impression of me from these posts. I mean, I want you to like me, sorta, and I want you to appreciate me for mind…for the most part and yet, all I do on this thing, thus far, is bitch express myself about people I dislike. I’m sure you’ve read the personal pieces…okay let’s be honest, you skipped them. I could be offended by this but that would defeat the purpose of the entire process. The audience adds a lot of pressure for me to continuously do the same bit inspires me and so…here you are, you ungrateful heathens my lovely fans. The two of you.

EVERY TIME YOU…

Start a phone conversation while ordering in line/drive-thru: a man dressed in lime green punts a puppy. 

Buy one lottery ticket at a time while the line behind you grows insanely long, with no regard that I have to be to work in fifteen minutes and I still have to buy/pump gas:  a midget named Earl throws used tampons at the zoo monkeys. 

Send your salad back because they didn’t put the salad dressing on the side (YOU’RE AT IHOP!): an elephant craps on a family of mice. And they die. 

Leave your blinker on when there is obviously NO LEFT TURN COMING UP: a bunny is mugged by two ferrets. Now that bunny is cold and alone, curled up in a corner, wondering how to feed it’s eighteen children. Way to go!

Do not tip your waitress: a kitten is forced to sell her body for catnip. You just made a pussy a junkie – you should be ashamed of yourself. 

Let your kids scream bloody murder in a restaurant/through the best damn part of the movie, in the checkout line (as if you don’t hear despite the fact that I am seriously glaring at you…no really, I’m looking right at you!): A dolphin is dry humped by a group of whales. And now she might be pregnant. 

Open a map and then refold it against the lines so it doesnt close correctly (THOSE LINES SCREAM – FOLD ME HERE A**): a panda gets smacked in the face with a moldy piece of cheese. It has mold on it, come on people!

Suck on a straw when your cup is obviously empty, as if this will somehow make more soda/smoothie/juice/water/etc appear: I kick a kangaroo in the face. Yep, ME! Because that’s how I roll. In.The.Face!

Shoot a ball of paper into a garbage can as if it’s a basketball: a chinchilla is sprayed with Tabasco sauce. In the eye. Just the left one (I’m not that cruel). 

Double Park: a family of squirrels is evicted from their home, forced onto welfare and the little crippled one, Gunther, starves to death while Momma squirrel works two jobs dealing with nuts because Daddy squirrel is now a raging alcoholic. You are a bad, bad person. 

Stare at me with that quizzical look on your face after I’ve asked you politely to do something, as if you suddenly don’t speak English: a hamster is forced to make sneakers in a sweatshop for one ounce of cheese per day. Do you know how small hamsters hands are? You’re so going to hell. 

And lastly,

Chew with your mouth open: a duckling gets hit by a car. Twice. By the same car.

I hope you get your act together and stop being such a shmuck. There are innocent, cute animals out there suffering because of your evil ways. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

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