Good evening, class. I’m glad you all decided to show up on time…except you in the back. Yeah, you. Seriously, did you really have to make an entrance? Never mind, you’re here and that’s all that matters.
Tonight we’ll be talking about the use of language in your work. But we’re really not going to talk about that. We’re not going to talk about anything. I’m going to have a little moment and you’re going to sit back and either agree or disagree. Save all comments
for yourself because I don’t actually care for the end.
I read an article in Poets & Writers by J.T. Bushnell called The Unreliable Narrator: Finding A Voice That Truly Speaks. Bushnell references J.D. Salinger and several other authors to make his point about the use of voice in a good piece of work. Grammar can dictate voice. Slang or the lack thereof can dictate voice. Etc etc. It was a good article. It really made me think about my own style. My own voice. And then I get a little nervous. Because my voice has a problem. My voice can be elegant and well mannered. My voice can be snippy and have undertones of sarcasm and wittiness. My voice is like wine in that way. Yes, I just called my voice wine. You got a problem with that?
I didn’t think so.
So what’s the problem with my voice? I’ll tell you what the problem is. My voice is a f***ing potty-mouthed princess. My voice wants to call the movie No Cuntry For Old Men just because it fits. And that is wrong. So wrong!
NOW, before you flag me for mature content, I have to tell you that I am trying to tame the beast that is my voice. I’m trying to stifle the madness that is continuous hours of naughty words and dirty puns. It’s a job and I work AND I have a child so that’s like three full time jobs.
I think I’m close to a solution though. In finding my voice and convincing the voice that we don’t need to say naughty words in order to make our point – I’ve come up with my own substitution method. Some things might sound silly at first but for the sake of a clean and respectable voice, I am willing to sound silly.
Feel free to review my substitution list and add any suggestions. I’m never going to be taken seriously as an author if I don’t curb the dirty. Read the list and help a sister out. Oh, and memorize everything because there’s going to be a quiz tomorrow. Haha, suckers!
TAMING THE POTTY-MOUTHED PRINCESS
Instead of saying the word that starts with S and ends with HIT – I say Shitzu. “Holy Shitzu, that is an ugly hairstyle.” I feel like this makes me sound kinda wealthy. My shitzu is groomed and clean as heck.
Instead of saying the F bomb – I say Sweet Sweet Love Making. “Oh yeah? Well, why don’t you just go sweet sweet love making yourself!” Okay, so that one is an epic fail. How about…intercourse? “INTERCOURSE!” “Go intercourse yourself?” Okay…maybe on it’s own but not in a sentence. Hump You! No. Go Hump Yourself! No. This one is tough…I’ll work on it.
I know women everywhere are taking back the C word. But it’s probably the one women get the most offended by. People in general cringe at this one. So I’m sticking with Country. “That’s not what your mother said, you dirty country.” PERFECTION!
Any reference to a girls area outside of the c word is safely referred to as future baby safe deposit box. I also like sperm dumpster but dumpster implies that she’s dirty and I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. For now.
A guys cockatoo or cockapoo, depending on appearance and breed can pretty much safely cover all the details you may want to share with your friends without sounding like a sailor.
Now the one referring to what you do with your mother is just bad. Because I’m implying you want to hump your mother. Motherhumper works in this case although I personally like incestuous backwoods momma impregnating weirdo. It’s a mouthful. Practice makes perfect.
Hiney is my favorite rear end word. Hiney hole. Hiney clown. Hiney bandit. You might feel like you’re twelve saying hiney but at least you can safely talk about hiney bandits at the Thanksgiving table in front of Grandma Esther without being disowned.
Crotch cooties or crotch critters can be used to tastefully talk about your ex-friends venereal diseases. For the Facebook fanatics, you are encouraged to use digital itchies since you are only friends with 99% of your list via the web.
I am growing as an individual, as is my voice. I hope you can respect the hard work and dedication it takes to not drop the F bomb followed by two or three other bad words. Class is dismissed. Now, go hump yourself! (It’s growing on you, isn’t it)?