1-31 – Ask Yourself This…

Lets take a break from NaNoWriMo for a second, shall we?

This is a very personal rant. I’m not about to talk about random people who annoy me. I’m not about to make any humorous digs. This is raw, hand shaking frustration. And I’ll explain why I’m sharing this with my readers at the end.

Here is the short story: guy and girl get separated, guy and girl already have a child together, guys family (for the most part) acts like girl and child do not exist. Guy gets injured (nothing major) girl posts update because she knows word will get back to guys family, guy is completely okay, girl gets phone call from guys mom asking how guy is doing because she herself cannot get a hold of guy. And here’s where I’m royally pissed off.

You don’t call me to ask how my son is doing. You don’t call me to ask if my son needs anything. You don’t call me to ask if you can see my son. You don’t call me to show any interest in any way for this human being. You do call that guy frequently and bring me up in conversation. You question my mothering abilities. You question what I do, where I am, if I can take care of my child. You talk nothing but garbage about me. How do I know this…because your son shouted you out, thats how.

You can degrade me for the sake of talking about someone. You can point your hypocritical religious fingers at me because I refuse to believe in the same things as you. You can say I’m damned to hell and so is my child. You can say whatever you want because, apparently, you are an expert on life itself.

Here is why this is inspiration to me. You are exactly what I don’t want to be. You are a the image of the type of mother, human being I truly wish to avoid becoming and I’ve met some crappy people in my life. You inspire me to work to no end to be a better person on my own so that I don’t have to depend on my son when he is older to give me purpose in my life. You remind me that my son cannot be my crutch. You remind me that my son will become his own man and at some point I will have to let him go and live life all by himself!

You remind me that evil comes in all forms. You spent years pointing a mirror at me so I would hate my own skin, my thoughts, who I am. You should have flipped that mirror around and stared into the true reflection of sadness. I pity you.

If you know my number, buck up and call to ask how my angel is progressing. Ask if he’s talking yet. Ask if he enjoys playing with others and how his manners are coming along. Ask how his asthma is doing and if he’s a happy child. Ask if he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is loved. Ask about that! And ask yourself this…when you call your son and he doesn’t answer you…when he avoids talking to you or seeing you until he truly has to…ask yourself why. Because you are poison.

You can call me damned because I don’t follow your belief system. I know you are damned, here on this earth because you lack the one thing every mother needs to know to breathe – that your child respects you and loves you to no end. I may be lacking in many things, but this is not one of them.

Poison can be inspiration. It forces us to move and grow, to better ourselves so we can stop the cycle. Poison inspires me to be a better woman, a better writer, a better mother, a better human being. I may not be there yet but I am on my way.

I will kiss the muse. You can just kiss my ass.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress…and I’ll return to NaNoWriMo.


5 comments on “1-31 – Ask Yourself This…

  1. Glad guy is doing okay – sounds like – for the most part – you are, too… Sorry that the family is such a distant and ‘scattered’ group – sad thing – many broken ties that no longer bind the people together for one reason or another – and several poisened against others, trusts gone on many levels, some too far gone to ever rebuild.. Many guilty of parts of the equation, some just innocent bystanders caught in the middle, others perpetuating situations. Hard to watch it all crumble and vanish. Some not here to witness anymore or keep us going – so overwhelmingly sad at times. I truly wish someone could blow magic dust and make the broken mended again.

    • This was a heartfelt comment. I appreciate it. This was definitely a very raw expression for me. As much as I want my writing, my feeling, my thoughts to come out in better ways…sometimes, this is how I allow it to leave my mind. Force out the anger and move forward. The only tragedy is the lingering question – if guy and girl had remained together…would the child be shown more love, more consideration. Would people reach out to him more? Or is he brushed aside because of the failure of his parents?

      • Not brushed aside – just a victim of us ALL being too distant and split up. Same with you and I as children – split from people we love – just innocent victims. The child should never doubt he is loved by many. Because of location, I guess, we don’t see our little guys nearly as much as we would like or should – they aren’t strangers, but sometimes it feels like it until we are together again. Very good you can express yourself as well as you do – better than me and much better than others. Wish there was much less pent up anger and more acceptance with our people. I thought that maybe when we moved, we would become a new gathering place to put the distances behind, a Switzerland of sorts, but it didn’t happen and for that I am very sad. Don’t get to share our happiness with many of those we loved who are now gone or distant – makes us really want to live each day to its fullest. Still have hope that things can change – we are waiting, but maybe we need to pull more. Since we are older now, maybe as they say, there comes more wisdom to be gentler, talk softer and be more forgiving and accepting. Not sure it’s not too late for some – or maybe too early for them to have that knowledge? Stay true to goodness and love those you can, try to be accepting of those who are misguided (as much as is possible), try to be a good friend and keep good company. Be the best mom you can be in whatever circumstances you find yourself. Sometimes that’s all you can do for a time, until everyone grows for awhile – by then it will just end up being who you are. Don’t lose your fire and drive – direct it to a positive energy – achieve your own greatness – know the people who care about you are those who matter the most.

  2. It is my greatest hope that my son will have what I did not. I’m still shrouded in losing my father but I have to remember that he lost someone too. Which means I have to take on more roles. I’ll take on every role if I have to. Im blessed that his father is keeping his role, with full desire and ambition.

  3. I am hoping all 3 of you can make it through this part of your lives without too many battle scars and all come out the other side warm and loving people. Positive Input from you both will make that happen, dispite other odds trying to make it not so.

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