I’m not a huge movie buff. I like to watch movies, I’m just not crazy about quoting them, fanatically running to the theaters when a movie comes out and I don’t get giddy when a specific actor or actress is on TV If there is a good plot, I’m all about it. If things make sense, I’ll give up two hours of my life.
Sense. That’s what scary movies lack. And this is why I don’t like them.
I watched Paranormal Activity for the first time tonight (with a friend because I’m a scaredy-cat) and I have a few thoughts on the whole subject of “the scary movie.” (In general, not strictly pertaining to the aforementioned movie – it was just the inspiration to finally write this post).
- If your girlfriend/boyfriend is haunted by some demon that could potentially kick your ass/kill you – BREAK UP WITH THEM! There are almost 7 billion people in the world and you can’t find anyone besides the demon magnetic?
- Why do people need proof there is a bad thingy living in their house. “Hey lets put up a camera, hey lets go into that room that seems suspicious, hey lets turn on this TV that talks to our child, hey lets pour powder all over the damned floors to check for footprints.” You know what will be proof enough for me – Your dead ass body.
- Why do people go in the house, up the stairs, away from help? Here’s my theory; they want to die. Period.
- If the killer cut your throat/stopped you from speaking in some way and you have a phone in your hand while your parents stand five feet away – do not try talking out of your gurgly throat – that’s just nasty. THROW THE PHONE! You are not smart and you should die.
- Stop having sex in the woods. This is prerequisite for getting your ass tortured. That or herpes.
- Hiding in small spaces while the killer searches for you. Why are you hiding in a locker? A box? Guess what, if he opens that door…do you know what’s going to happen – YOU’RE GONNA DIE! You cant swing in a box, dipshit. STOP IT.
- Stop answering the door to strangers. Strangers are bad. Didn’t your momma teach you that? No, she didn’t. You want to know why? Because she answered the door when some psycho knocked and SHE’S DEAD! You’re stupid and you deserve to die too. Say hi to momma for me.
- Stop answering the phone if you’re babysitting. Watch the damn kids! I’m not paying you to be my secretary. I’m paying you to keep the rugrats in bed while I get stupid drunk with my homies. Now do your job!
- Avoid moving into houses that look like they have faces. They are alive. They will kill you. Do not let the pool fool you. It will be filled with corpses and blood in a week.
- And lastly, stop getting possessed. It’s seriously annoying. You talk too much and no one can understand you, you smell like ass and I’m trying to entertain dinner guests. Now this priest has to come over and I have to hide your kid brother. Way to screw the family over. You couldn’t wait until next week for this? Seriously, it’s almost the holidays. What will our family picture look like with you all scarred up and green…at least you’re sorta festive. Okay, I’ll let this one slide, just keep the satanic mumbo jumbo to a minimum.