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1.45 – Automated MSG’s, Tech Support and My Nervous Breakdown

Technical support is officially the devils appearance on this earth. It is only beaten by automated voice services. It is one of those things that irritate me more than anything, and you may have noticed that I’m irritated by…a lot!

There isn’t just one thing about it. It’s the entire process. If you are lucky enough to not have to regularly deal with the TS Epidemic, let me walk you through it (because misery loves company).

I am a human being. I want to talk to a human being. But it’s 2011, so you know thats just about impossible.

“Thank you for calling (INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE). Our menu’s have recently changed so please listen (to this long ass message) before making your selection.

For English, press one. (Aren’t you already speaking English?) Para Espanol, numero dos.

Me pressing 1

To use our voice recognition feature, please press 1. To use manual response, please press 2.

Me pressing 1

Thank you. Please tell us what your call is about. For example, you can say “what’s my account balance,” or “technical support.”

I need to make a payment. 

I’m sorry, ‘There is weed in the basement’ is not an option. You may use options such as “what is my account balance,” or “Technical Support.”

What? I said I need to make a payment. Payment. 

If you said Bill Payment, please say yes.

Yes.

Thank you. I see the number on your account is 123-456-7890. Is that correct?

Yes.

I’m sorry, ‘West is not an option. Please say yes if this is correct. Please say no if it is not.

I.said.yes.

Okay, thank you.

So, I make my payment, even though I’m a little irritated because this thing doesn’t understand anything I say so I’m repeating myself every five minutes.

I should be done but of course, I’m not. There is a problem with my router, so I need to make sure it’s fixed. After I pay my account, the stupid machine lady is all”

To return to the main menu, please say “main menu.”

Main Menu. 

Thank you. Please tell us what your call is about. For example, you can say “what’s my account balance,” or “technical support.”

Technical Support. 

Thank you. Please state your problem. For example, you can say “power outage, disconnection of service…”

My box is blinking.

I’m sorry. An Ox is thinking is not an option. Please state your problem. For example, you can say –

My router is broken.

I’m sorry, ‘my daughter is soaking is not an option. Please state your problem. For example-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! MY ROUTER, THE BOX NEXT TO MY PC IS NOT WORKING RIGHT! HOW DID YOU GET MY DAUGHTER FROM THAT! I DONT EVEN HAVE A DAUGHTER! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

I’m sorry, that response could not be processed. Please hold for the next customer service representative.

By this time, I’m lighting up cigarettes left and right. I’m so annoyed. People say I have an accent but seriously? Router and daughter? Why would I tell a machine about an ox. I’m in the city. Who owns a freaking ox?!?

After a good 7 minutes of very bad elevator music, some lady gets on the line. This is where it gets all sorts of fun.

Hello, this is Susie in (Insert City Name Here). How can I help you?

(Her name is not Susie. Period. She is not in my city. Period. It took seven minutes for them to send this call to some overseas call center and she’s in a shack in Guam. If your name is Susie, my name is Bumqueesha, since we’re playing make believe.

Hi, “Susie.” My router is not working correctly. All of the lights are blinking and it never does that so I’m a little concerned.

That’s okay ma’am. Please calm down, it’s going to be okay.

WTF?

Is your machine plugged in?

…Of course it’s plugged in. If it was randomly blinking and not plugged in, I’d have called a priest. 

I understand ma’am. Please tell me what the digitalmumbojumbothingythatnooneunderstandsinsertseventeennumbersandaclickingsoundhere is doing.

The what?

It’s okay ma’am. It’s the second light underneath the fourth light next to the second button beside the first right button on the left.

Is this a prank?

Excuse me ma’am?

Listen, I don’t want to be rude but I just want to have this stupid box fixed. I want to watch my TV show and I have some writing that needs to get done and if my stuff doesn’t work, I’m kinda not happy. 

Yes, Of course. If you would just press the thingymabob while jumping on your left leg and humming ‘this little light of mine,” the router should be reset.

I hate your face.

Excuse me, ma’am.

I said I wish I was in space.

She laughs. Oh yes, me too ma’am.

The router thingy is fixed and she thanks me for being a customer and we hang up.

It’s over right?

WRONG!

Five minutes later, the stupid lights are all blinking again. They aren’t supposed to. They haven’t in seven months and they shouldn’t now. I’m feeling an ulcer forming and yet, I call back.

“Thank you for calling (INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE). Our menu’s have recently changed so please listen before making your selection.

For English, press one. Para Espanol, numero dos.

I’m slamming 1 on my phone.

To use our voice recognition feature, please press 1. To use manual response, please press 2.

Since I don’t feel like having a nervous breakdown, I press 2. The stupid machine lady starts listing off all my options, and I mean all of them. This goes on for a good four minutes.

For technical support, please press 1.

For billing, please press 2

To schedule or cancel an appointment, please press 3.

To have a nervous breakdown, please press 4.

To hear all of these options again, please press 5

To be given the number to a call center that is no longer in use, please press 6.

To start pulling your hair out because we really aren’t going to help you…ever, please press 7

To have your son take a massive crap so you have to put this message on speaker phone while you clean up the liquid attack, please press 8

For more options, please press 9

For a customer service representative, Please press the pound sign.

To end this message, please hit the star sign.

I am crying a little and I smell like shit now and my fingers are shaking but I hit the pound sign.

Thank you. To better assist us, please state your problem while you patiently wait for a customer service representative.

The. Lights. Won’t. Stop. Flashing. (Insert nervous breakdown here).

I’m sorry, ‘The kites won’t stop crashing is not an option.”

^&%#$$^@$@#!^&%*@ YOUR MOTHER!

Thank you for calling (Insert Company Name Here). Goodbye.

I hate you and I hope you die. Twice.

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2 comments on “1.45 – Automated MSG’s, Tech Support and My Nervous Breakdown

    • I went back and read it out loud to myself and started cracking up, which is rare since I usually mutilate everything I write in my head. It seems perfect when a story I would tell out loud comes out perfectly on paper.

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