For 390 years, you evil bastards have hunted my kind for the sake of your festivities. Every year, on Thanksgiving, you horrible little heathens slaughter our friends and family so you can pig out. Well, we think it’s about time we say enough is enough.
You kill us turkeys in our prime. Do you know what that means? You’re killing the majority of us before we get any turkey booty. We are turkey virgins! You sick f@&ks! How can you sleep at night?
And who the hell thought of stuffing? Not only do you kill us, rip off our feathers so we’re all naked and exposed with our nether regions all sorts of wide open but you stuff bread and spices inside of us. That’s…well, that’s practically turkey rape. And we’re dead! So that’s dead turkey rape! I hope you feel dirty right now.
Why not kill more pigs? They are gross as it is. Take them! Not us! I hear they taste like chicken.
And stop trying to impersonate us. We see your sad turkey impressions, waving your arms in the air, making that “gobble gobble” sound as you flap around like an orangutan! Yeah, I said it. You look like a damned monkey. We do not look like that so cut it out.
And lastly, we are sick and tired of you blaming us for getting all sleepy after you eat a few slices of our innocent flesh, some green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, two slices of butter pecan pie, pumpkin pie, cornbread, ribs and a five gallon tub of butter pecan ice cream. You aren’t tired because of us, fat boy! You’re tired because you are slowly going into a diabetic coma because you just ate enough to feed a small village in Ethiopia!
We are hereby filing a class action lawsuit against your asses in the estimated amount of 390 trillion dollars. Be afraid, be very afraid.
T Urkey and G. Obbler of T&G Attorneys At Law