1.70 – Thoughts of a Barista

Coffee drinkers and alcohol drinkers are pretty much the same species – just different breeds. They both know what they want, drink for either quality or quantity and both expect results at the end of their consumption, whether it be drunkenness or energy.

The same can be said for Bartenders and Baristas. Same species. Different Breeds. Both play the role of customer service, temporary friend and therapist. I’ve never been a bartender so I cant delve deeper into the trials of that occupation. Now being a barista…that’s a whole other story.

We have favorites.

This is usually saved for our regulars. People who appreciate that this is not always an easy job. People who are patient and are as interested in us as we are in them. Favorites are rare.

Dont throw money at us.

In the words of one of my coworkers, “we aren’t strippers.” Feel free to pass me that five dollar bill, preferably not crumpled up into a ball.

Dont enter the line when you don’t know what you want.

There are five people behind you. Please feel free to step out of the line until you are certain of your choice or at least until you have a coherent question that can help me assist you.

We hate it even more when you step up to the counter and you’re on your cell phone.

You are not that important. Feel free to hang up or at least tell your phone partner to hold on while you place your order. I’m a pro at customer service, not mouth-reading.

Dont order a cappuccino and then complain because it has foam.

A cappuccino is not the flavored liquid you get at the gas station. A cappuccino is espresso, steamed milk and foam. Period.

Customers who are specific.

I’d rather you give me all the details and specifications of your drink BEFORE I start making it. The more I know, the better I can do my job the FIRST time around.

We hate when people get psycho specific.

Can you really tell the difference between 160 degrees and 162? Really? You can? I’m calling bullshit.

Customers who teeter on the line of healthy and junk food junkie.

Do you really think making your drink with non-fat milk and sugar free syrup is going to negate the damage you’ve done with extra whipped cream, caramel drizzle, chocolate chips and chocolate sauce? Mind as well order a large diet coke with your big mac and super sized fries. Bad move, tubster, bad move.

Dont try to cheat the system.

Dont ask for extras AFTER I’ve rung you up. Extra syrup, soy, and a pound of caramel costs money i.e I’m gonna charge you.

We do everything to spite you.

I hate hate hate when people make personal jabs if our machinery is broken. “I hope you have a horrible day.” Listen here ya damn caffeine addict, I did not wake up this morning and beat the crap out of the espresso machine just to piss you off. What I’m going to do that will piss you off is smile in your face and wish you a long and pleasant Monday morning WITHOUT your coffee, ya crackhead.

The name game

Dont make my job difficult by making a sound or using an asshole name when I ask. It’s apart of my job and I really dont feel like calling out “wakka wakka,” or “McLovin.” If you keep testing me, I’m going to use my loud ass voice and holler out your physical description followed by “who has chlamydia.”

Buyers remorse

Dont drink 95% of your drink before complaining that it wasn’t made properly. What you’re actually saying is “this drink was fan-freakin-tastic and I want another one but I’m too much of a cheap ass to buy a refill.”

TMI

Everyone has rough days. I’m happy to attempt to make you smile…to bring a brief moment of laughter to your tough day. What I cant do is save you. Having a stranger tell me tidbits of their day is one thing. Telling me about the father that molested you and the step-father that took care of his ass because he’s apart of the mafia and the time that you were at a truck stop and some trucker came and was acting funny and you called your stepfather over the radio and he talked to the potential murderer over the radio and then he was scared and then some guys in all black came and escorted you to the next city and then…I seriously stopped listening to you after I said “2.37 is your change. Thank you for coming in.”

The Stalker Customer

It’s flattering when a customer is accustomed to how you do things. When they come in on your scheduled days because you have a well built connection. What is annoying when someone comes in, undermines my coworkers and then refuses to shut up about every single time anyone has ever made this impossible drink just a smidge off of the unreachable expectations. I don’t care.

Checks Please?

Are you seriously writing a check for 2.01? Seriously? 2.01? There are people behind you and I leave in 1 minute. Omg, why don’t you know where your drivers license is? I hate you and I hate the crinkled vagina you came from.

I love my customers. They are my job security and believe it or not, I’ve made friends with some of the awesome regulars. It’s those dingbats on the other side of the spectrum that make me want to stick a steam wand in my blood stream and hit steam…a lot.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled program…with a cup of coffee…already in progress.

 

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4 comments on “1.70 – Thoughts of a Barista

  1. I think in our day an age it is seen as bad manners to be truthful. It is also seen as bad manners to like/love yourself warts and all. I think people who are straight talkers really do a great service. In a way they set a precedence. So many of us are so stuck in everything else but what’s going on right in front of our face. So its only right to laud blogs like yours 🙂

  2. Its harder to be the stray wolf than the hypnotized sheep. I’ll take being a wolf any day. It’s funny though, that the wolf is always seen as the dangerous one instead of the educated, enlightened or even just curious. My “problem” or so I’ve been told is that I ask too many questions. But that always makes me push. If I ask why and people stutter…I know I hit a nerve or I got to close to a truth they didn’t want me to know.

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