1.101 – You Never Saw This Coming

Facebook Status of The Day:

Eetsa gonna be manicotti night! Also… Eetsa me! Mario!

Now that we’ve covered that…this post is going to change direction. I’m working through some emotions and so Im turning to my forum to do so. So bear with me for a moment.

I literally just opened a book, recommended to me by a friend, a few minutes ago. I have only gotten six pages in and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I have a million questions running through my head and even more reasons why I want to close this book. Im listing all of the reasons I don’t feel like reading this book. And yet, I know I have to keep going.

I’m trying to be open-minded. To steer clear of the presumption that I know better. In my search for personal growth and a non-judgmental perspective, I have agreed to read The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel.

My mind is racing and I feel really uncomfortable. I keep asking myself why and I keep running in circles. Is this book going to make me see something I didn’t see before? I don’t know. But what if it does. I’m just going to pretend for a minute…that by the end of this…I feel enlightened.

What changes? I dont respect organized religion. I don’t respect the man-made use of religion to spread bigotry, hate and oppression. I could believe in a god…I guess. The hypocrisy, the evil laced in a pretty package, the inconsistencies…I just cant.

If that is the case, why the heck am I reading this book? Do I subconsciously want to believe in something much greater than what I know? Do I want there to be a reason…for everything? Am I already a mindless sheep, willing to believe in anything that will make me feel warm and fuzzy as I sit close to my rock bottom? (Not every person of faith is sheep – so if you’re an existential thinker, don’t take offense to it).

Part of me wants to throw this book aside and move right along. Am I scared to see something new and have new hope? Or am I scared that at the end of this…I will feel no differently. Proof that there really is nothing greater. Am I already setting myself up because I want hope?

And this whole thing is pissing me off. But the only way to truly say “I don’t believe” is to identify what I actually do believe. And the only way to do that is to face every option with an open mind…to let it run through me and to…do something I have yet to figure out.

This post made absolutely no sense. But neither does this blog. Let’s be honest. I rant about shit on here. Shit, shit and more shit. But I guess this random shit is my life. And my life is my art. And my art is what I want to share. Hence…i share shit. Aren’t you glad?

I’m sure Ill post again about this book…we’ll see.

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2 comments on “1.101 – You Never Saw This Coming

  1. Hey Friend,

    I hope you don’t mind my sharing something. When I was younger I felt and saw that no one ideology is better than another, and that to believe in something I would have to deny something else. Its a common thing seen in our news to embrace to be for democracy is to be against communism etc. But not everything can be divided into such neat little groups and labels.

    I think all the labels can be a barrier to getting at the truth of the matter. I think oftentimes the mind wants to put things in an order in a structure and when it can’t there is much frustration and agitation. I would be interested to know if you stuck with it what did you feel at the end in retrospect

    • Thank you for sharing. I think my feelings come from a place of wondering if I will say “what now,” at the end. If I will be moved…what now? And if it means nothing to me…what now?

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