1.108 – Suffocating

…I’ll see you, see you on the other side.

My father passed away 6 months and 3 days ago. Today, it feels like it was just yesterday. I’m in an emotional tailspin – truly in fear of life and death. How do I teach my son to love when those we love will leave? Some day, I will leave him behind. I will abandon him despite my best efforts. I will leave him to cry tears of loss.

Close my eyes forever…

I want my father back. I want to see my father again. I want to hug my father right now. I want to call him and I cant. I need my father.

I think it’s safe to say – my panic attack is over. Far too many tears, far too many emotions in such a short period of time. It boggles my mind how hearing about someone else s ailments can thrust me into sheer panic…rewinding me six months. That fear of looking around…wondering who is next. Fearing the ringing of a phone because it can deliver the worst of news. Wondering how many times I will have to shield my son from the agony of loss.

Life means death. Life means loss. Life means sickness. It is as simple as that. It’s as troubling as that. It’s as scary as that.


3 comments on “1.108 – Suffocating

  1. My father was on orphan. He lost both of his parents within a year of one another when he was about 12. I think that loss made him especially sensitive to the fact that we all die. I hate when he says “one day I won’t be here”, but I know its the truth. My grandfather was the wisest of men. He used to promise to visit me in my dreams when he passed on. The last time I saw him he said “I’m like an old car. I keep breaking down and the replacement parts are getting harder and harder to find.” Those words live in me, even as he lay there dying, he tried to make me laugh. He’s been gone 8 years and still the void can bring a tear to my eye in a millisecond! But he taught me this, love the memories, hold them tight, and believe that your dreams are visits from the angels. It’s not goodbye, it’s so long for now, until we meet again…. Teach your son that just because someone dies doesn’t mean we’ve lost them! For as long as we love, they are still around….

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