1.133 – The Price She Pays

She can forgive those who hurt her the most but she can’t forgive herself for mistakes made and wrong paths taken. For dreams unfulfilled and thoughts to be had. She can’t forgive herself for sins she never committed and crimes she never saw but she will hug the demons that ripped at her soul, that egged her on as she sat under the droplets of a long cold shower…a pile of pills soggy at her feet.

She can forgive those who hurt her the most but she can’t forgive herself for the lost time and the aged bruises upon distant faces in unforeseen times of crisis. For the desire of her heart that burns like a trickling ember down a slope of sand. She can’t forgive herself for acts of weakness and moments of vulnerability that ended in a dreaded stalemate but she will forgive the taunting of enemies she now dines beside.

She can forgive those who hurt her the most but she can’t forgive herself for the whimsical thoughts of escape into a time and space when she could matter and mean and know and feel and love and be loved and grow and prosper and be recognized for more than the wickedness that spews from her mouth.

To run away from who she is into a storm cloud of who she could be…atonement…to nod and smile and accept the foe as a friend because no one else will know her name beyond bitch or slut or hey you or loudmouth or mistake or why are you still here. Redemption.

She can forgive those who hurt her the most but she can’t forgive herself for being born and breathing and wasting time and wasting space and not being smart enough and not being skinny enough and not being funny enough and not being glamourous enough and not being innocent enough and not being beautiful enough and not being sexual enough and not being enough enough enough enough enough

Worthy, special, wonderful, vibrant, brilliant, magical, hypnotizing, tempting, amazing, captivating

She can forgive those who hurt her the most but she can’t forgive herself and so she is willing to walk a mile…a million miles in shoes she doesn’t want to wear just for the sake of being…someone.

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