1.139 – These Walls of Mine

I had plans set up for Saturday with an acquaintance. I say had because I canceled. Mind you, there is no romantic thoughts in either direction, this was simply the start of a friendship.

But I made a mistake in assuming I could be friends with this person. Not because this person did anything wrong. Not because I have any bad feelings toward this person. I canceled, despite looking forward to good adult conversation, because I…I swear I had a reason but my mind just went blank.

Have you ever met someone that makes you feel like you’re all sorts of fucked up? Not intentionally. But because they are so peaceful…you realize your life is a big, huge mistake of chaos? There is absolutely nothing about me that this person could relate to, appreciate or admire. There is nothing about me that could enlighten this person, make this person feel understood or even happy. And thats what friendship is about.

It’s a give and take. And I have absolutely nothing to give someone who has it all figured out. So all I can do is spare this person the time and energy it takes to get passed my walls. Walls that only reveal chaos. Chaos better left unshared.

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7 comments on “1.139 – These Walls of Mine

  1. Often times people appear centered, balanced, at peace, when it’s just an illusion. It would have been worth it to find out what’s under that peaceful exterior! And maybe the potential friend had something to offer to you! A window to peace or something like that, I think you should give it a second thought! 🙂

    • That’s the thing though…I don’t think it’s an illusion. I mean, no one is “perfect,” but to be at peace is so much harder than to attain perfection…in this girls opinion. That’s the part that makes me want to hide. You may have something to offer me but I am in a place where I cannot fathom what I can offer you. That’s how this situation feels right now. I’m obviously not at peace…my writing shows that…and that’s just a portion of what runs through my mind. I’m just in the zone of “why bother,” which is kicking my ass.

      • I can tell you a few things you can offer her: 1) Seeing people struggle keeps us grounded and humbled. 2) You’re honest perspective awakes the things that hide in many of us. 3) Once those things are awakened there’s no turning back, you must face them, which always brings enlightenment. If she has anything that disturbs her peace enlightenment will be good! And if not, if she’s truly at peace, she doesn’t need to gain something from you, the blessing comes in knowing someone like you who is so obviously profound. I would think for her, knowing you might be much like watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel.

  2. I follow your posts closely. Your writings intrigue me. It’s almost like meeting myself! Almost. You have faced things that thankfully, I’ve been spared. All that being said, you’ve no idea what you might have to offer in making a friendship with this person. You’re too close; you can only see the trees. Allow this new acquaintance the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful forest. Let them take your hand and help you see it, too. Perhaps you were gifted to this person in order to bring a gift of peace to you. Think about it… I received such a gift some years back. It hasn’t been an easy road to face my fears, insecurities and phobias. But, thankfully he has been patient and has helped me to emerge, somewhat, into a more whole person. And the journey continues. It’s a wondrous experience!

  3. I’m extremely thankful to all of the comments on this post. I am happy to say I got over myself and kept the plans. It turned out to be an amazing evening with tons of laughter, unexpected adventures and enlightening conversation. I feel like I’m learning so much about someone new and so much about myself simultaneously.

  4. Just because someone is in peace does not mean that you should not meet them or share your experiences with them…. Rather it’s the other way around…meet them, share with them, and they, instead of being upset or feel bad about you might just want to listen, to feel what is going through your head…..

    And at times, if the person is not at that level of peace as you feel they are at, can share what they are going through with you, and it will be good, for both of you….

    That being said, I disagree that friendship is a give-take relationship…its a relationship that requires nothing, and when it does, then the true meaning of friendship has not been attended….

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