1.141 – Burning

My mother left. I hate authority.

My marriage failed. I hate relationships.

My best friend died. I avoid friendships.

My father died. I avoid love.

Any attempt to fight the inevitable is a losing battle. I’ve learned this lesson at least four times in my existence and probably much more than that. Some would say that this life is worth living, that I have so much to look forward to. But the sand is flowing through the hourglass and the the tears flood away the granules of salt destined to count the seconds until my demise. No, I will not live forever. And someday, my son will mourn me. Someday, my loved ones…the few I have left…they will be as tormented as I am right now.

How do you grieve? How long does it take? My mother gave up on me 27 years ago. Is 27 years enough? My marriage failed 2 years ago. Is 2 years enough? My best friend died 15 months ago. Is 15 months long enough? My father died 8 months ago. Is 8 months enough? I mean, when the fuck does it stop? When does it become okay? Does it ever? I want someone to tell me when! How! I need to know this shit is happening for a fucking reason. Cuz I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no fight in me.

I don’t trust anyone. I hate people who treat me like I’m expendable. I hate people who are nice to me. I hate people who think they know me. I hate people who really do see the damage despite my act. I hate people who want me to be “on” all the time. I hate people who assume it takes one. I hate walking alone. I hate silence. I hate wondering. I hate never knowing. I hate being so scared.

I want my father back. I want my best friend back. I want my hope back. I want a clean slate. A fresh start. I want to know my purpose. I am an aimless vessel, writhing in the flames of uncertainty.

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12 comments on “1.141 – Burning

  1. I can’t help you get your father back, Neither the friend you lost, neither your mom and can not even save your marriage…..

    What I can do is tell you this: You are not Alone, you never were, and you will never be……

  2. my little boy died 26 years ago – it never goes away totally but it becomes manageable and part of us – it will be ok – you are lovely – thank you for writing this, really

      • people don’t always get our pain – sometimes its because they have not experienced themselves and sometimes its because they can’t face their own – your pain is real and valid, fuck what others think or say

  3. Your father is not gone, nor is your best friend. For as long as you love them, they are in you. You have to learn to seek their presence in a new way. The failure of a marriage is always tragic, but you will rise up stronger, expecting more from the next love, and by expecting more, we get more. Your pain is deep, but there is one reason to keep on going, to learn to find joy. Your beautiful child learns how to cope by how you cope. If you can find joy in the deepest pain, then he too will learn to dig deep and find his peace when life throws him curveballs, and it will. It always does. Several years back we went to 11 funerals in less than 2 years. I couldn’t make sense of it then. Of all we lost, I miss my grandfather the most. I still wake up with tears in my eyes wondering why I have to face the days without him. But he promised me we would meet again, and those are the words I hold on to. He told me he would meet me in dreams until that time comes, and so every time I dream of him, I think he is keeping his promise. Some would not believe in that, but I do! People will say time heals all wounds. I don’t think time heals them, just in time we learn to function wounded…

    • People have told me that those I love are not gone. I believed that, if anyone would be able to remain close to me despite death…it would be my best friend and my dad. My best friend knew he was dying. It was not sudden. It was literally a countdown. But I have not dreamed of either, I do not “feel” them, I do not hear them…I feel an emptiness that cannot be measured. My marriage failed and though I have a sense of happiness at times to not be in a situation that brought out the worst in me…I walk with a cloud of failure over my head. I feel like everything I do will fail miserably just as my supposed forever did. To function wounded is so tragic to me though I am sure people have dealt with worse. I’m just in this sudden sense of limbo because I seek peace and can admit…I don’t know how to get it.

      • I think you’re on the right track, by just putting your feelings out there ever so bluntly. I think once you stop focusing on the pain, you will slowly start to feel them again… Right now you can’t feel them because the pain is still too “loud”. You’re not a failure at all. You have no clue how deeply your writing touches many people. We all fail at times, but a failure you are far from being… Keep working towards it, peace will come. It really will!

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