So, technically, I should be packing…seeing as I’m supposed to be moved into my new apartment in like…two days. But I’m not packing.
Not because I don’t want to. I really don’t want to BUT this particular moment of packing procrastination has been brought on by an Oprah “AHA” moment. (Did she patent that, because if she did…yeah, she can’t take much from someone who doesn’t have squat, right? Here’s hoping.)
Anyways, my “AHA” moment happened while I was putting books away in my new place. I used to be a hoarder of books. Seriously, in the past 4 years, I have visited the library at least 4 times and donated at least 70 books per visit. Needless to say, my current library is slim pickings and yet…I feel like I should be getting rid of more things instead of just transferring all of my garbage from a two bedroom box to a one bedroom box. But moving right along…
The “AHA” moment happened when I held a book called Smut. It speaks true to its title but I only know that from reading a synopsis of the book. I’ve never actually read it. I bought it a few years back during my erotic reading phase. (Aqua Erotica, Master/Slave, Different Loving…all good titles…I’ve actually read these…and FYI to all you bandwagon Fifty Shades of Grey readers – feel free to read Different Loving to understand that Dom/Sub relationships don’t have to be all about hard, rough sex. It doesn’t have to be about sex at all. This stupid craze with this book is going to push some desperate lonely housewives to go out searching for the type of relationship they touch themselves to from that book when in all actuality, it’s not that simple. Period. And now I’m done with that little side rant).
I realize that I haven’t read this book and yet, I don’t want to toss it. And I ask myself why. I’m not reading it. I have no desire to. The price I paid wasn’t a doozy so I’m at no real loss. So what am I holding on to?
I’m holding on to the thought that if I toss it…I will suddenly need it when its gone.
Yep, that was the moment. I just related a smut book to relationships. Ain’t it funny how we hold onto things that aren’t good for us, people who remain toxic to us and our growth because we are so scared that once we dispose of them…we will have nothing? We keep bad friends, relationships that aren’t fulfilling, we stay in marriages that died so long ago we can’t even recall when we liked that person, we master the art of bullshitting ourselves into believing that we need something we really don’t. Instead of having a bookshelf free of useless nonsense that is no longer applicable to the person I am today, I’d rather have a full shelf of things I will never touch. Meaningless, insignificant but full.
Sounds like the story of my life. I’m going to admit that I put the stupid book on the bookshelf. I’m not friggen superman here, people! I had an “AHA” moment, not a friggen personality makeover. But I think it’s still a start.
The first part of letting go is realizing you don’t need to be so scared of having nothing that you’ll hold on to anything. Apply this to your life, relationship, career as needed. I know I am.