Does abstinence have to equal loneliness?
This is the question at hand for the evening. In my current life situation, I am in no place to deal with any sort of physical encounters. That’s just being honest about things. Encounters of the flesh simply complicate matters and if my life isn’t complicated enough as it is…just trust me – it is. So no need to add fuel to the fire, right?
I’m also going through some deeper spiritual considerations. Religion – not quite. Spiritual Soul Searching – Yes. With that in mind, it’s not exactly a prime time to fog my world with lustful acts, thoughts or encounters. If I’m really putting all of this into consideration, I need to do so genuinely and with a clear perspective.
Now trust, I don’t have guys banging on my door. Ugly duckling syndrome makes that a non-factor BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t wonder. About the future. About relationships. About connections. About the possibility of meeting someone that makes me want to love again. Even not so pretty girls get lucky sometimes.
And what happens IF that does occur. I’m in that “I want to hold hands, cuddle and kiss” phase. Meanwhile, guys my age want sex. Or the promise of sex. But what if that’s something I can’t give. Not because I don’t want to. But if I do become serious about this spiritual journey…I have to pursue it with my whole heart. And that includes no sex.
I no longer believe in the union of marriage. Not for everyone. I just don’t think I am meant to know that type of relationship…in any way. Yes, I sound like the typical scorned woman getting ready to do the divorce dance. But I genuinely feel like it’s just not meant for me. But if that’s the case, and sex outside of marriage is something that will disrupt my spiritual growth…does that mean I’m meant to be without companionship of any kind forever?
Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex but what guy…at 28…wants to JUST cuddle, JUST kiss, JUST hold hands? Virginal boys who want to marry…maybe. But I can’t give that end result either. Do I think anyone can change my mind? Not even a little.
This whole spiritual situation is fucking with my head far more than I can explain. I don’t expect anyone to understand any of the above. It’s just a rambling session from a girl that doesn’t want to be alone forever but also from a girl that wants to know she is more than just a body to be had. I want that part in the middle. And I want someone to savor that part with me without expectation of the next step. I want patience.
I want something I may never have.
Fuck me running.