1.155 – Yep, She Said Abstinence

Does abstinence have to equal loneliness?

This is the question at hand for the evening. In my current life situation, I am in no place to deal with any sort of physical encounters. That’s just being honest about things. Encounters of the flesh simply complicate matters and if my life isn’t complicated enough as it is…just trust me – it is. So no need to add fuel to the fire, right?

I’m also going through some deeper spiritual considerations. Religion – not quite. Spiritual Soul Searching – Yes. With that in mind, it’s not exactly a prime time to fog my world with lustful acts, thoughts or encounters. If I’m really putting all of this into consideration, I need to do so genuinely and with a clear perspective.

Now trust, I don’t have guys banging on my door. Ugly duckling syndrome makes that a non-factor BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t wonder. About the future. About relationships. About connections. About the possibility of meeting someone that makes me want to love again. Even not so pretty girls get lucky sometimes.

And what happens IF that does occur. I’m in that “I want to hold hands, cuddle and kiss” phase. Meanwhile, guys my age want sex. Or the promise of sex. But what if that’s something I can’t give. Not because I don’t want to. But if I do become serious about this spiritual journey…I have to pursue it with my whole heart. And that includes no sex.

I no longer believe in the union of marriage. Not for everyone. I just don’t think I am meant to know that type of relationship…in any way. Yes, I sound like the typical scorned woman getting ready to do the divorce dance. But I genuinely feel like it’s just not meant for me. But if that’s the case, and sex outside of marriage is something that will disrupt my spiritual growth…does that mean I’m meant to be without companionship of any kind forever?

Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex but what guy…at 28…wants to JUST cuddle, JUST kiss, JUST hold hands? Virginal boys who want to marry…maybe. But I can’t give that end result either. Do I think anyone can change my mind? Not even a little.

This whole spiritual situation is fucking with my head far more than I can explain. I don’t expect anyone to understand any of the above. It’s just a rambling session from a girl that doesn’t want to be alone forever but also from a girl that wants to know she is more than just a body to be had. I want that part in the middle. And I want someone to savor that part with me without expectation of the next step. I want patience.

I want something I may never have.

Fuck me running.


5 comments on “1.155 – Yep, She Said Abstinence

  1. I have a history of not being well in the mind so please take my comment with the appropriate grains of salt.

    While working and going to school I spent over a good half of my life looking for something that could bring me deep meaning. Religion wasnt for me as I ask to many questions and am never satisfied with dogma or someone else’s belief. I did the whole western thing and traveled out East, meditated for hours in the sun lol. It comical know when I look at soem aspects of that search but what I found later one was that any spiritual system one can follow has to bring you to the depth of the human experience and condition. I think its a very western Idea that one has to seclude oneself away or abstain from sexual relationships to be pure. An old teacher of mine said to me once: it’s easy to do it in a cave but in the bazaar things get bizarre. Im not saying speaking either against abstinence or for lustful acts.Rather I feel that one should always be grounded in what it is to be human, the ups the downs, the sorrows, the pain, the joy, the elation,etc.

    For me what I have found that helped me was that I had a clear idea of what I wanted and needed, and I made sure I did my part in sincerity, whether it was putting myself out there or putting in the time etc. After that there is not much more one can do. And I have always felt that dwelling on the what ifs and maybes sometimes become the barrier to us seeing what we want when it comes in front of us

    those of my syphilitic thoughts plese tke again with some salt


    • I’ve got my salt and hear what you’re saying. I don’t think I feel so compelled to abstain because of some biblical reference. Rather, I feel like…in order to move forward with my life and to find personal growth…I have to stop hoping for someone else to validate me. It’s easy to find that validation of beauty and desirability in a physical encounter. I’m at a place in my life where I need to know I am more than that to myself and to others. Putting my faith in man has failed me thus far. I have to start believing in myself. In something greater than myself. I know I’m vulnerable in my loneliness right now and that is why I believe in this current venture. Because when something happens…I want it all to happen for the right reasons.

      • I think one reason why relationships fail or some of the ones I have seen at least is that the people are not grounded in an experience of who they are really behind the social roles that they play of mother or father of wife and husband etc. I agree with you that we cannot rely on anyone else to validate us that has to come from within ourselves. To get a deep sense of who one is one has to I feel taste like you say that there is something greater than oneself. To know who you are is the primal philosophical injunction I feel. The first words of Hamlet is “Who’s there?” I believe.

        Its a tumultuous path to ask oneself honestly and sincerity who am I and what’s really out there. Maybe I will will share my particular path and fuck ups with that . I felt that I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship that was just about the porking those only work for a little while and for me weren’t meaningful. The reality of it was that I was alone for a bit, but I felt that sacrifices must be made to find something real.

        anyways more of my mental syphilus

  2. You are right about the part that many people in that age group wants to have sex. But that doesn’t mean that everyone is like that. There are people who are in that age group, but are not looking for physical relations but for a partner with whom they can talk, spend time with and feel comfortable…

    Even though I am in relationship for almost 4 years now, I never felt the urge to get physically involved. What matters to me is that she is there with me when I need someone to talk to, and the same matters to her too. Try and maybe you will find someone who feels the same way you do…

    All the Best for your search and don’t loose hope…when there is someone out there for a person like me, there will surely be someone for someone like you… 🙂

    • I hope their is someone who will take the time to love me mentally and emotionally before physical comes into play…if at all. I can hope forever but I’m accepting of the fact that that may never be an option. Knowing I’m going to be okay either way is a sense of peace in itself.

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