1.163 – Unfair Game

This week is a busy one. Between my son getting hospitalized, deciding to do Camp NaNoWriMo, and leaving my job in four days…I’m tired. But, life goes on and so shall I. My son is doing a million times better. I’ve made my choice for my June novel and I think I’m starting my new job on Sunday. On that last one…I’m actually not sure when my first day is, which can be a little bit scary. Here’s hoping I’m working this time next week.

Now that my son is better, my main focus is on this upcoming project. It’s really all I can think about. This is definitely what I needed. I was excited about Novembers NaNoWriMo but this one feels different. Do I think this is my big break? No. But I feel a sense of pride in knowing that I am not second guessing whether or not I should do this. I am excited to create more new material to work with rather than staying in the safe zone of hovering over a piece I don’t even have the courage to edit. I’m thrilled to be trying something new.

On a side note: I had an interaction with a guy today in which I was in my safe zone because he was being a pretty big smart ass. (This was not a prospect in any way: I’m in no position to be dating and though I don’t enjoy the thought of being alone, I know dating some random is not going to fill the voids I have). Yes, he was attractive in a bad-boy sort of way. I could handle the smart ass, it makes me feel at home. But then he did something I didn’t see coming. He acted nice.

I know. I’m an asshole. I get freaked out when a guy is nice to me. It does one of two things to me, actually. A) I think he’s mocking me somehow so I feel stupid and I shut down or B) I turn up the notch on the bitch factor so that I don’t enjoy anything I am convinced I will eventually lose.

I went with B. I was a royal bitch/smart ass to the max. He hung well with it for the time we carried conversation but when he said bye, the tone changed. Like he was disappointed or something. Like, he didn’t want it to end like that. But it did. And now we will never see each other again. And I feel terribly guilty. Not because I think something could have blah blah blah. But because I intentionally came off like a untouchable to someone who was trying to get to know me, even for a moment. I didn’t do it because he wasn’t my type. I didn’t do it because his humor annoyed me. I did it because…I’m so fucking scared…I don’t want anyone to get close.

I totally went through the predator/prey complex today. I was the predator. I won. But I think I lost.

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One comment on “1.163 – Unfair Game

  1. You might have been a bitch for a day, but you are big enough to at least realise it. Sometimes we are all overly defensive and raw emotion that has nothing to do with the poor person on the receiving end comes through. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m enjoying reading your blog. I like the style, but it makes me wish for a picture of you on the swings smiling when you sound so stressed. Keep writing.

    Kate

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