I took my son to the pool today. We enjoyed the sun, the warmth, the water, some snacks and bonding time. But there was definitely plenty to not enjoy. So here’s my letter to the dumbass’ of the pool.
Dear JerkFace Parents: When you pick up your yearly pool pass, you sign a contract that specifically says: NO ALCOHOL AT THE POOL. Why the hell are you morons carrying around bottles of Budweiser? You trashy alcoholics couldn’t wait until AFTER you take your kids to the pool to get wasted? Couldn’t hold off your typical display of neglect as you chug at the booze while your child dives into two feet of water? Seriously? I hate your face and I hope you die.
Dear Children of The Above JerkFace Parents: I pity you since you were born to inbred future DUI cases BUT I’m not your momma. You are not allowed to take my sons toys for your own pleasure just because your parents didn’t bring anything for you to play with. This is a pool. Play with the fucking water. And the next time you snatch something from my son, I will pick you up, take you to a very dark corner and explicitly explain how Santa Claus ass rapes the Easter Bunny until you shit yourself into a coma.
Dear Teenage Girls: If you cannot afford a bathing suit – feel free to stay home. I do not wish to see dental floss covering your bits. And if you’re going to wear dental floss: SHAVE. Pubic hair is not sexy at the pool. Invest in a Bic and save everyone the horror of seeing your nappy carpet-crotch.
Dear Teenage Boys: Stop doing back flips into the pool to impress the girls in dental floss. They are not impressed now and they will not be impressed when you crack your face open. I’m just saying.
Dear Clouds: You are evil. Do not wait until I get into the water to cover up the sun. This causes me to be cold. And I don’t like being cold. So cut that shit out. I’m not kidding.
Dear Bugs: DIE.
Yep, that’s it. I’m not going to say Happy Memorial Day because I think we need to remember those who have fallen for our freedom EVERY DAY. Making a BBQ and getting wasted sure as shit doesn’t equate to a thank you for the sacrifices so many soldiers have made. Whether you believe in war or not; someone has died for your freedoms. Don’t take that for granted.