On the edge of the storm, I am fully aware that life will soon show it’s changes – clear and vibrant, dark and gloomy as they may be. As the finalization of my divorce draws closer…I am preparing myself for the death of a life. The blame game doesn’t exist in this new world.
Coming out of the tunnel, a treacherous journey that has spanned well over two years…I am on the verge of starting my existence for the first time in a decade. Every choice I make, every thing I do, every interaction I have must be calculated to enable a better future for my son.
I’ve gone down this particular road many times. The inkling to finish school, to buckle down and further my education, nurture my mind, grow as an artist and an individual, create something substantial that can further my potential. Just as many times as I have tried; I have failed. I’ve walked away to better focus on my household, buckled under the pressure, realized things seemed far too easy for a reason. Either way, I’ve quit on multiple occasions.
But what have I gained from quitting? I’ve put myself in a position where I cannot pursue my passion, my body hurts on a daily basis due to physical labor, I am not a positive example to my son. The last factor is what pushes me to do something about the situation I’ve put myself in.
I want to go back to school. I don’t care who supports me, who blows me off with a typical “mhm, that’s cool,” or who thinks it’s a dumb idea. This is about starting my life over to be something worthwhile for my little man. There is a risk in doing this. A risk in putting my focus toward “success,” instead of creating a growing family. Can I have both? I’m a little bit doubtful. But I can’t hesitate working on a better future for my son because I’m scared I’ll lose a hypothetical. My son needs me to be better.
Divorce is like a death. Losing something that once held life and possibility. Once the dotted line has been signed, all that will be left is choice. I can choose to die with the memory or I can fight and work hard to create something one million times better.
That’s where I want to be. Write instead of left on the crossroads.