3.14. Countdown

Just a few more hours until NaNoWriMo begins. I will admit, I am a touch stressed. Life has not been kind lately and I have so much on such a small plate. Yet, I tell myself that it is important to my spirit to forge forward and continue to engulf myself in my writing as I have in the past when things are going much better. I am nervous I will not complete this, I will be sidetracked by having so much going on in life, by complete fear of this project being a waste of time. I’ll do it, nonetheless, because I have to.

3.13. Here We Are Again

It’s that time of year again…NaNoWriMo. I am excited to start working on book 3 of my series (something I hope I actually follow through with). I was stoked to be using Scrivener until the IMAC I was using completely went to shit while I was prepping. Not exactly happy about that. So, I’m starting from scratch in terms of my prep. Everything happens for a reason so we shall see how this changes things.

Hopefully, I can stay on track and get this book done in the next 30 days amidst all of my own life drama. Here’s hoping.

3.7. No Good

She’s that girl you didn’t quite know was a girl because of the hard shell, the dirt and grime caked on top of the shame instilled by venomous vixens and perilous perpetrators looming in the distance and yet, ever so present. She’s that girl you didn’t realize was crying because the salt was hard against her thick skin, prepared to fight and hate and wait and hope and succumb under the gun of pressure set forth by villainous harems of soothsayers. She’s that girl you wouldn’t miss upon her deathbed because she kept trying but never really got the whole dead thing down pact. She’s that girl you wouldn’t assume prayed to God for salvation behind an orange recliner so the screaming, beating, seething, bleeding would stop. She’s that girl you would laugh at for her imperfections and all the while she thought, “I’d be pretty if I had money to show it,” but she didn’t because poverty lived on the vines of disgrace, which strangled her as she sat in the back of the classroom hoping to not be seen for her stains but damn she wanted to raise her hand because she knew the answer.

She’s that girl who said yes when she meant no because being close was better than being unwanted. She’s that girl who wanted to be a banana and peel away the skin to show something else since she was dark but not hard enough and light but not dainty enough. She’s that girl who wanted to disappear and hit a reset button so she could start all over and do it all differently. She’s that girl who would mute herself for years, convinced she had demons that possessed her because that’s what the woman said and that’s why they beat her with that damn whip. She’s that girl that can relive the trauma because she knows how to deal and she’d rather take a punch to the face than to be told she’s not good enough…again.

She’s that girl you think is confidant and secure and certain of what the hell she’s doing with her life but she’s really just guessing and cries every time she looks in the mirror and once attempted to cut away her full lips and considered slicing through her breasts so there would be no choice but to fix them and maybe they could add a pound or two but only after she lost some via her throat in a bathroom while everyone slept because purging in an outhouse made more sense than actually having the will power to not binge in the first place.

She’s that girl who prayed for death and stopped believing in God when he wouldn’t take her away. Not because she didn’t believe but because she thought he was punishing her by leaving her behind. “Take me to a better place, Lord. I’ll do anything you ask. Save me. From myself.” Because she was poisoned before she left the womb and how do you accept what you are if you are so easily hated by those who should have felt otherwise.

She’s that child that needed to be smart because beauty eluded her and somehow she turned into that average adult that people wanted to touch but never feel, a secret, a mistake, a regret, a “maybe I can have you on the side until something better, paler, prettier, funnier, nicer, more acceptable comes along.”

She’s that bitch. A pit bull you made assumptions about and fueled until she lashed out and then said “I told you so.” She’s that chick that hides behind the brick wall because there had never been a strong foundation that lasted, that didn’t have motives, that didn’t have ill intent. Mortar and stone to block out the sun that will scorch her fragile vessel. But they assume she’s something tough, something to fear while she feels like a dying bird in a cage, shivering with broken wings, caked in mud and bodily fluids.

She’s that thing that’s unbelievable because she’s inconceivable. 

She’s that woman who will run from all that is good because she’s convinced she is a curse set upon this earth and yet she silently hopes she will fall in the mist and loving hands will touch down and lift her from murky memories into brighter, promising days. But she runs because reality says things like that don’t happen to people like us. 

People like us…

people like us…

people like me.

3.6. I Won’t Run Far

“I can always be found…”

In the dead of night

bloody and unfocused

behind the walls of stone 

self inflicted injuries

to propel the potential 

of feeling. 

“If You Want Me To Stay…”

Implement ties that bind

until the struggle is a memory 

and the sweat seeps into the soil

when tears become crystals

piles of salt to season the day. 

 

 

3.5. Letter To The Boys (An Online Dating Rant)

If you’ve ever stumbled upon any of my “random guy messages,” you knew this was coming. This is definitely a big middle finger to the typical, those who play the game, those who scheme with false advertising, those who make it damn near impossible for a girl to hold out hope for a good catch to come along.

And before you decide to judge any of the following and manifest some “epic rebuttal that will not this girl off her feet” about how women are no better…I don’t deny that girls play games, enable the ridiculously crude garbage spewed, and are highly capable of being overly sexual in order to get what they want. That being said: I’m a woman who is attracted to men and so I don’t feel the need to address the sex I’m not aiming to attract. That is a rant all its own but this one is for the boys.

Don’t get me wrong…I know for a fact that no guy will read this and be epically changed. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t think this post is going to move anyone. It’s a rant (see the title), which means I’m writing this for me to vent. I’m getting out all of the garbage that’s racing through my head. If one woman reads this and attempts to raise her baby boy to be a better man in the process…hell yeah, I won! That’s about as much hope as I can have for this thing.

I’ve been on a dating website for just about two years. In those two years, I’ve gone on less than a handful of dates and have never had a second date. I’ve had phone conversations, texting, skype conversations, and singular dates. 99% of my online interaction have been me hitting delete or “block user.”

Yes, I’m picky. A girl needs to have standards and though I will no deny I have, in fact, lowered my standards at times out of pure boredom…they always return. I read messages on a daily basis in which a guy shoots straight for the sexual innuendos, carries one conversation before asking me to come over, or wants to talk marriage and babies after a week. There is no middle ground. There is no courtship. There is no actual dating process.

Less than five dates in two years? What’s wrong with me?

A LOT!

I am messy. I have a very chaotic mind. I get bored easily. I have trust issues. I have a temper. I am territorial. I want someone who will give me attention when I want it but go the hell away when I don’t. Mentally, I am sexually driven but physically, I have little desire to actually have sex. I am always attracted to the type of guy that doesn’t want me. I’m loud. I’m far too outspoken for my own damn good. And that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head at 1am.

Well, no wonder I’m single, huh?

You’re right. I’m not going to argue with it. But pause. I asked a guy, the other day, what his flaws were and his answer: nothing. Nothing. NOTHING! That’s a crock of shit and that just made a list of flaws for you boo-boo.

I’m a bitch. I own it. I embrace it. Is it an awesome personality trait? No. But it’s a part of me. I can turn bitchmode on in .05 seconds and slap you so hard with some venomous words…ya damn head will spin, make you cry and curl up in a ball while you internally question why you weren’t aborted. Yes, I can be a viper.

This is probably detrimental to whether a guy will talk to me. Well fellas…so is swearing “I’m a good guy.” “I’m different.” “I’m not like other guys.” Do you know what all of these things say to me? You are a douche bag. You are exactly the same as all the rest. I’ve seen your type before. Call it pessimism. I call it experience. A good guy doesn’t have to say what he is. He just is and it’s undeniable.

Why are you clearly a 3 and you’re messaging someone who is definitely a 7+? I know this sounds superficial (search for that post in which I address the hypocrisy of guys saying what they want physically but girls saying the same things and being considered shallow) but I could care less. You might be a 5 on a good day. A 6 if I’m intoxicated but you seriously posted some pictures of yourself looking like a convict. Not an ex-convict. Current. Present tense, sweetie. No and thank you.

Also, feel free to shave your face, clean your mirror for that selfie, stop shooting all your pics in hats (do you have hair), stop shooting group shots so I can’t tell who you are, no club shots with five girls on you (are your slut days over yet), and stop checking fit/athletic with your keg and four chins. BE HONEST!

If you’re looking for a hookup/friends with benefits – don’t message a girl who clearly states she’s looking for a relationship. It’s a waste of time and though you may be fine as all hell…you want something different. It’s asinine to be upset with the girl when she doesn’t want to talk about her favorite position if she was honest about her intent. I get it. We’re single and we’re shopping. Some people want discount material, some people want BOGO deals, some people are bringing coupons, and some people are holding out for the best quality stuff. If you buy cheap – you will have to return to the store sooner rather than later for a replacement. Some of us want to make one trip and be done with it.

Try consistency. Try chivalry. Try honesty. Try being genuine. I know it sounds simple but it works. There is someone for everyone and though your honesty may not draw in every girl…it will attract the one for you.

Baby boys – stop messaging a woman 10 years your senior bragging about how you could sexually satisfy, provide, blah blah blah…I’ve already stopped listening. That shit might work on the Beverly Hills housewives or the ragged but the smart ones are unimpressed and have no desire to be your sugar momma.

Older men – stay in your lane and don’t assume every woman younger than you wants a sugar daddy. Shop age appropriate and stop looking for arm candy or the next incubator for your seed.

Online dating didn’t work for me. That’s not to say it doesn’t work for other people. It’s 2014 and more people are meeting their future partners online than you think. Maybe the pickings are slim everywhere and I’ve just observed the best of the worst  online. Either way, I’m over the game. I’d rather not play and just say I did.

P.S.  A special note to the guys with kids who immediately act like a complete and utter piece of trash – you should be ashamed of yourself and I hope your child learns what a man should be from SOMEONE ELSE!

Here’s to being single.

I’m out.