1.190 – Quality vs. Quantity

“If you can’t handle me at my worst…

…You don’t deserve me at my best”

The clouds have rolled in and the storm is set to begin. The forecast is calling for guaranteed thunder, lightening, tornadoes, tsunami’s, and typhoons. The damage will probably be irreparable and the casualties of family bonds and friendships will be countless.

Fair-Weather Friend: A friend who is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable.

Fair-Weather Family: Someone who is family or acts like family when it’s easy for them to be, them change on you when it’s through thick and thin.

I could cry over what I feel my son and I have lost. Instead, I want to really focus on the people who HAVE been invested in the calm before the storm, the upcoming mayhem, and the potential rebuild that awaits.

 I want to say thank you to the friends and family who don’t depend on Facebook to be real friends and real family. The people who call to ask how Hunter is doing. The people who have set aside time in their busy lives to reach out and stay in touch. The people who have reached out more so when the clouds have set in INSTEAD of playing the vanishing act. The people who don’t just say “I love you,” “I care about you,” “I hope to see you soon,” but actually show that as fact.

I want to say thank you to the people who believe in me as a person. The people who don’t focus on my past and every mistake that I’ve ever made in my entire life. The people who appreciate me for the person I am striving to be. The people who have taken the genuine time to see beyond the hype. The people who have supported me as a dreamer and have motivated me to be a doer.

I want to say thank you to the people who have shown my son UNCONDITIONAL love. The people who have PROVEN that they love my son. The people who do not allow trivial adult nonsense to prevent them from reaching out and engaging with my son. The people who have opened their hearts, homes, and ears to my son. The people who have put forth effort to include my son in the happiness of their own lives.

I want to thank the people who have not shunned my son for the simple fact that he came out of my vagina. The people who do not put my son so far out of sight that he will inevitably end up out of mind.

In April 2012, my son and I enjoyed an amazing trip to Disney. It was the most wonderful trip of my life. Watching my son show such excitement to see all of his favorite characters, to play with his cousins, to laugh hysterically…it was magic. But the moment that stuck with me the most was seeing my sixteen year old nephew sit on the balcony and watch his brother and my son play. My nephew reached out to me and gave me a hug. He refused to let go. He cried. He held me tight and let the tears flow. He cannot speak. He has Cerebral Palsy and has never been able to say “I love you, titi.” But he told me. In that moment. Just as clearly as my son tells his tia that he loves her every time she calls.

These children are beating the adults. They are the real inspiration. The real conveyors of what it means to love unconditionally.

Thank you to those who have given me strength and hope. We’ve done the good. We’ve done the bad. The ugly is on its way. We may not have the masses supporting us but what we’ve got is real and will be there long after the storm passes.

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1.169 – NaNo Day 1 Continued

Technically, still on day one of CampNaNoWriMo. Yes, I’m going to actually fill this blog with a whole useless series of my NaNo journey. At some point, if I have the courage, I will share some excerpts and research that I’ve come across through the process. But for right now – I’ve come to a few conclusions.

  1. Staying up all night before an expected ten hour shift is a BAD idea.
  2. I should learn to read slower.
  3. Never tell another writer your candid idea – what they will do is give their two cents on what you should do despite the fact that they themselves admit that they can’t handle writing 1700 words a day. They will also walk around and tell anyone and everyone who will listen about your idea and how their suggestion is fucking awesome.
  4. Never expect your friends to act like they care at all about your work. The fake smiles and half-hearted questions don’t show interest when they come off as obligation.
  5. Don’t assume everyone you talk to is your friend, even if they swear up and down that they want to be.
  6. Ordering pizza is awesome.
  7. Pepsi doesn’t taste as good as it used to.
  8. I’m scared that I’m spending my “prime” trying to get out of a shitty ordeal and by the time I get away from all of this baggage…no one will like anything about me. Not that anyone does now.
  9. I have really low self esteem.
  10. I’m tired of hoping.
  11. MY MAIN CHARACTER STILL DOESN’T HAVE A NAME!
  12. People will agree to anything you say on a topic they know nothing about because they would rather have your opinion than their own.
  13. People don’t care about art anymore. I am beginning to think they never did. 
  14. God hates me and the feeling is still mutual. I just happen to be writing a book about him.

End of day 1 word count – 4429

Follow me on twitter for more useless updates – @CerebralOMG

1.164 – Saying A Whole Lot of Nothing

Not even sure how to start this post. Not feeling very inspired at the moment. Pretty fed up with the human species as a whole. I have no inclination to deal with sarcasm or poorly aimed wit, stupid people or fair weather individuals.

Not much seems to be going my way, as of late. As of the past eight years. Maybe the past twenty-eight. Who the hell knows. Just another emo moment in the emo life of yours truly.

I’m hoping better things will come in June. All I know is I have to get my ass in gear and make things happen, in all aspects of my life. I’m running out of fuel and the journey hasn’t even started yet. It’s only going to get a million times worse.

I’m just hoping there is a light at the end of this dark, dank tunnel.