2.16. Letter To Daddy

Dear Papa Bear:

It’s been 17 long months since you went away. Tomorrow is Christmas and I wish for nothing more than to hear your voice. I wish I could call you to say “I love you,” one more time. I wish for many ‘one more times.’

The past 17 months haven’t been easy, Dad. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure you know I’ve felt broken for so very long now. I know you have seen me curl into a ball and cry until there couldn’t possible be anymore tears. I know you have watched, helplessly, when I have silently begged to be with you because it feels that hard.

But I can’t be with you right now. I have to stay here and fight this battle. I have to figure out how to make things better so I can give your grandson better tomorrows. Because when I am gone, I hope he loves me just a portion as much as I love you.

I didn’t make it home, Dad. I know you wanted your girls to be reunited. I couldn’t keep that promise to you. I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. I tried and failed. But I will make the best of this and I will do all that I can to keep the bonds strong. The bonds I know you prayed about.

I signed one of Hunters presents “Love, Grandpa Santa.” As I always will.

I miss you, Daddy. And the child in me is coming out as I type this. I regret so much that I didn’t have my life in order when you passed. That I still don’t. I know you loved me. Greatly. But I wanted your pride. Your respect. I wanted you to go knowing that I could take care of myself. That you didn’t have to worry for me. I’m sorry you went out not knowing.

I’ll keep trying. I won’t quit. I promise.

Love, your babygirl.

P.S. If there is a God, Dad, could you tell him/her to please have mercy on me. To give me a chance to be better. To give me a chance to gift my son with the life you always wanted to give to me. Just put in a good word for me or something.