3.15. Tech Issues

Sooooo, day 1 of NaNoWriMo is underway. Needless to say, it was a rough start. I reattempted to use Scrivener, for organization purposes, after losing my entire novel mapping about two weeks ago. The IMAC still wont start up so that’s a dead issue. Literally. So, I try it on my other computer at midnight. Ive got music, snacks, and a plan. I type for about an hour and get about 1600 words Im stoked about. I hit save as and the entire thing is erased. Gone. Vanished. NOT THERE. Im crushed. I cry for a good 30 minutes in the shower and vow that God hates me and Im not writing this novel as I believe this is a sign.
After looking up online, I find that scrivener had or has a bug that makes the save as option clear all work instead of saving. I decide to try again and use save instead.  So far, so good though I’m still a bit nervous.
There is obviously a reason I lost the initial work but I refuse to believe its because Im not meant to write this novel. And so, the beat goes on. Good luck to all my fellow participants!!!!

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3.14. Countdown

Just a few more hours until NaNoWriMo begins. I will admit, I am a touch stressed. Life has not been kind lately and I have so much on such a small plate. Yet, I tell myself that it is important to my spirit to forge forward and continue to engulf myself in my writing as I have in the past when things are going much better. I am nervous I will not complete this, I will be sidetracked by having so much going on in life, by complete fear of this project being a waste of time. I’ll do it, nonetheless, because I have to.

3.13. Here We Are Again

It’s that time of year again…NaNoWriMo. I am excited to start working on book 3 of my series (something I hope I actually follow through with). I was stoked to be using Scrivener until the IMAC I was using completely went to shit while I was prepping. Not exactly happy about that. So, I’m starting from scratch in terms of my prep. Everything happens for a reason so we shall see how this changes things.

Hopefully, I can stay on track and get this book done in the next 30 days amidst all of my own life drama. Here’s hoping.

3.1. I Write…

Because the ink is my air

And the words are my breaths.

Because it hurts to stifle the gypsies that dance in the catacombs of this mind.

Because the thirst is vampiric

Primal and raw.

Because nothing is so delicate as the clacking of keys

Stroking of pens

Slide of paper

Visions of a visionary

The bird that soars within me

Free to speak and preach and be

Free

To give and tell and share and project

Images onto the wall

Because they are real

Each character and place

The plot has happened within me

The souls linger

Begging to be recognized

Acknowledged .

Forget the rest. This is not about poetics but the dream within the dream that runs from a brutal reality of living nightmares.

This is my ladder out of the dark hole. This is my rope of redemption. Pulling myself from the grave I was shoved into from the womb.

Because of a family tree that has rotted and withered in the darkness of secrets.

Because I want to be more than a dealer, a player, a con, a liar, a manipulator, a thief, a criminal, a user, an abuser.

Because these words are the seeds to plant new trees.

Of shade and fruit

That will bare the souls of stories and stories of souls.

Because my son will NEVER go to sleep hungry.

Because my son will NEVER know the shame of monopoly money.

Because my son will NEVER hide in a school bathroom, stifling his own cries within a stall as the remnants of their words bloom into scars upon the fleshy self-esteem they devour.

Because my son will NEVER will never be asked to be a part of the con so tomorrow can be easier. And I still wonder if those debilitating migraines stem from her wicked demands of bashing a broken piece of wall against my adolescent skull because “you’ve got to make it believable so we can sue.”

Because my son will NEVER curl his toes to fit into a shoe two sizes too small while I live lavishly.

Because it is my job to use what I know, those voices, those stories, that pain, and the creative juices that flow through my veins like the blood that trickles from their lips to make something beautiful.

To keep a promise that his tomorrow will be the rainbow to all of my yesterdays.

Because the pain of my past is worth the glory of his future.

Because I will make this life count.

Because I will build the foundation of his greatness.

Because he will NEVER know those types of tears.

My hands slam against the keys with purpose.

With conviction.

Because my hands will do for him what no hands have ever done for me.

I write…

Because I have to.

2.45. 38 Days (Camp NaNoWriMo Journey)

2 and a half hours in and I am at a road block.

I came up with the idea for my current piece on August 29, 2011. 38 days after my father passed away.

Now, here I am, 21 days from the two year anniversary of my fathers death and I am incorporating the father figure into the project. There is a phone call. A voicemail. A dropping of a phone. Panic. Screaming and a collapse in a hallway. Crying. So much crying.

I chose to use my memories of those moments to describe the call the main character gets concerning her father…

And this where I am stuck. Because, although I’d like to think I’m healing, thinking about those moments makes me relive them. And it makes me want to cry. And I want to scream and claw at my assistant manager and beg her to bring my father back all over again. I want to ask a guy I would normally ignore (my old DM) to please tell me it was a lie.

I am there. Avoiding their eyes…those looks of pity. I am there. Calling home, desperately. Hearing my sisters voice break. Hearing her say those words. I am there. Calling my fathers cell in hopes he will answer one last time. That he will call me “babe.”

I am there. Unmounting my tv so I could pawn it to fly home. Feeling hopeless and stranded. I am there…flooded with support of distant friends who flocked to me to help me fly. Looking at my son and feeling like he lost out. He will never have a memory of my father. His grandfather. He will never call him by some cute nickname. He will never hear an I love you from him.

I am there. Drowning in wine because I wanted to be numb so fucking badly. And yet, the alcohol did nothing. I am there, getting a tattoo for my papa bear. Grasping at anything that would bring me back. Bring what we had back.

I am there…in that driveway. When the floodgates opened and I couldn’t walk into my sisters house. Sitting on the back patio. Making my way inside and down that hall. And getting stuck. Not able to face it. The empty room that smelled of my father. Locking myself in that room and breaking down completely like I never have before. Dying.

I am there. Every second replays and I am cold.

I am here. considering re-outlining this part of the story and omitting the father. The father I molded from my own. Because I wanted to immortalize him. Because I wanted people to love this character just half as much as I loved my father. So the world could know his spirit through these words.

I am stuck. Because I NEED to write this. Because I always said I wanted to be a writer but my father never got to see me start. Because I waited too long. Because I have to heal. As much as here is painful in these moments…there…there is something that kills me.

I need my father.

2.42. NaNoWriMo Is Almost Here

Camp NaNoWriMo is on its way and I’m determined to start and complete the challenge this summer. Last summer was a complete bust and I stopped before I really got started…though I don’t think my heart was ever really in that project. This year, I have made myself a few promises…all of which I intend to keep.

  1. Outline this project until I just can’t outline anymore.
  2. Brainstorm until it hurts.
  3. Write down all thoughts, big and small, that may come to mind during prep.
  4. Treat June like a pre-game.
  5. Read like a madwoman.
  6. Submerge myself in the writing community to the best of my ability.
  7. Read more blogs geared toward writers.
  8. Meet participants of NaNoWriMo
  9. Use this blog to write about the journey.
  10. Be honest about the journey.
  11. Start the damn project.
  12. Finish the damn project.
  13. Enjoy the ride.
  14. NO EDITING.

With that being said, if you read this and plan on participating, have a blog about writing, know a blog about writing, love a blog about writing…I ask that you comment and share a link to said blog. Leave your twitter/fb page/social media outlet so I may follow a fellow writer.

Many Thanks.

2.39. The Dying Writer

To say I have writers block is an understatement. Considering participating in JunoWriMo and Camp NaNoWriMo and my brain is mush. STUCK on the piece I finished for last years session…should I rewrite it? Should I start something new? Should I work on the one I didn’t complete? Are any of them good ideas? Why do they all somehow find the same lingering piece…too many branches off of one seed. Questioning if there is a point. If I will ever write something worth…something. Playing music, reading, sitting in silence…hoping for a muse. And finding nothing. No inspiration. Nothing that sparks a fire in my fingers to get out…anything.

This paragraph was a damn struggle.

1.167 – A Career vs. A Dream

Camp NaNoWrimo starts in a little over a day.

I’ll be the first to say that I’m taking on a pretty ambitious project. Not only is the topic and style outside of my realm of comfort but the timing really couldn’t be worse. Between transitioning jobs, taking care of my two year old, and actively working to nullify my marital status…yeah, my schedule and brain capacity are beyond occupied.

BUT

I feel like I need this. To focus my energy toward something positive. To focus on my passion and allow myself time in my day to hone my craft. To do something, this one thing, for myself without guilt.

I’m sure I will be ripping my hair out in less than a week. But I refuse to quit. Just as I finished NaNoWriMo in November 2011, I am confident that I have the ability to complete this challenge. The bigger question is whether or not I have the passion to do it. Knowing you can do something is a far cry from wanting to go the extra mile.

I am starting this journey with a different viewpoint from the last challenge. I actually sat down the other day and asked myself if I should continue writing or put away the pen and focus on something tangible. Now, I know I just said I wasn’t going to quit and I want to work on my craft. A sentence later, I’m saying I have considered throwing in the towel.

I’m a double sided coin with two feelings about this challenge. I feel like a contestant on some cooking show. I’m doing this because I feel like I need to test if this is for me anymore. If this is what fills me with passion. The only way to know is to jump into the pool and decide whether I have the natural instinct to swim or sink with no struggle.

So here’s hoping at the end of June…I will reach one of two conclusions and stick with it.

  1. Accept defeat, let go of the dream and start a career.
  2. Take the ignited fire and run with the dream until I reach paradise.

Here’s to figuring things out.

1.161 – Here We Go Again

Seems like it’s that time again. No, it’s not November and yet I’m prepping for another go at NaNoWriMo. Apparently, the summer time has become another opportunity for writers to get their work on the page via CampNaNoWriMo.

I participated in the November 2011 challenge and finished the month with a little over 56K. I’ve considered editing the piece I worked on, Dream Catcher, in the months that followed…to no avail. I thought I would do a rewrite but that idea went out the window as well.

Nonetheless, I’m sitting here with my notebook, scribbling down ideas. Funny thing is, the idea I feel strongest about is the one that focuses on religion. Yep, I said it. Religion. I think it’s an interesting concept and one I’ve personally never seen done before though I’m sure someone has covered it in some book I’ve never read. It’s coming from my perspective so…yeah.

June 1st is the start date, although there is a second round of participation starting August 1 – think I can write two books this summer? We shall see.

Either way, I’m excited. I feel like I got a lot done in the month of November and felt most proud as a writer…even though no one has read Dream Catcher and I’m hating it to the point of not ever wanting to edit it and thrusting it in the trash. BUT just getting my work on the page is a huge breakthrough for me. So I’m willing to have a go at it again.

No expectations. Just words. May The Muse remain close.