3.5. Letter To The Boys (An Online Dating Rant)

If you’ve ever stumbled upon any of my “random guy messages,” you knew this was coming. This is definitely a big middle finger to the typical, those who play the game, those who scheme with false advertising, those who make it damn near impossible for a girl to hold out hope for a good catch to come along.

And before you decide to judge any of the following and manifest some “epic rebuttal that will not this girl off her feet” about how women are no better…I don’t deny that girls play games, enable the ridiculously crude garbage spewed, and are highly capable of being overly sexual in order to get what they want. That being said: I’m a woman who is attracted to men and so I don’t feel the need to address the sex I’m not aiming to attract. That is a rant all its own but this one is for the boys.

Don’t get me wrong…I know for a fact that no guy will read this and be epically changed. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t think this post is going to move anyone. It’s a rant (see the title), which means I’m writing this for me to vent. I’m getting out all of the garbage that’s racing through my head. If one woman reads this and attempts to raise her baby boy to be a better man in the process…hell yeah, I won! That’s about as much hope as I can have for this thing.

I’ve been on a dating website for just about two years. In those two years, I’ve gone on less than a handful of dates and have never had a second date. I’ve had phone conversations, texting, skype conversations, and singular dates. 99% of my online interaction have been me hitting delete or “block user.”

Yes, I’m picky. A girl needs to have standards and though I will no deny I have, in fact, lowered my standards at times out of pure boredom…they always return. I read messages on a daily basis in which a guy shoots straight for the sexual innuendos, carries one conversation before asking me to come over, or wants to talk marriage and babies after a week. There is no middle ground. There is no courtship. There is no actual dating process.

Less than five dates in two years? What’s wrong with me?

A LOT!

I am messy. I have a very chaotic mind. I get bored easily. I have trust issues. I have a temper. I am territorial. I want someone who will give me attention when I want it but go the hell away when I don’t. Mentally, I am sexually driven but physically, I have little desire to actually have sex. I am always attracted to the type of guy that doesn’t want me. I’m loud. I’m far too outspoken for my own damn good. And that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head at 1am.

Well, no wonder I’m single, huh?

You’re right. I’m not going to argue with it. But pause. I asked a guy, the other day, what his flaws were and his answer: nothing. Nothing. NOTHING! That’s a crock of shit and that just made a list of flaws for you boo-boo.

I’m a bitch. I own it. I embrace it. Is it an awesome personality trait? No. But it’s a part of me. I can turn bitchmode on in .05 seconds and slap you so hard with some venomous words…ya damn head will spin, make you cry and curl up in a ball while you internally question why you weren’t aborted. Yes, I can be a viper.

This is probably detrimental to whether a guy will talk to me. Well fellas…so is swearing “I’m a good guy.” “I’m different.” “I’m not like other guys.” Do you know what all of these things say to me? You are a douche bag. You are exactly the same as all the rest. I’ve seen your type before. Call it pessimism. I call it experience. A good guy doesn’t have to say what he is. He just is and it’s undeniable.

Why are you clearly a 3 and you’re messaging someone who is definitely a 7+? I know this sounds superficial (search for that post in which I address the hypocrisy of guys saying what they want physically but girls saying the same things and being considered shallow) but I could care less. You might be a 5 on a good day. A 6 if I’m intoxicated but you seriously posted some pictures of yourself looking like a convict. Not an ex-convict. Current. Present tense, sweetie. No and thank you.

Also, feel free to shave your face, clean your mirror for that selfie, stop shooting all your pics in hats (do you have hair), stop shooting group shots so I can’t tell who you are, no club shots with five girls on you (are your slut days over yet), and stop checking fit/athletic with your keg and four chins. BE HONEST!

If you’re looking for a hookup/friends with benefits – don’t message a girl who clearly states she’s looking for a relationship. It’s a waste of time and though you may be fine as all hell…you want something different. It’s asinine to be upset with the girl when she doesn’t want to talk about her favorite position if she was honest about her intent. I get it. We’re single and we’re shopping. Some people want discount material, some people want BOGO deals, some people are bringing coupons, and some people are holding out for the best quality stuff. If you buy cheap – you will have to return to the store sooner rather than later for a replacement. Some of us want to make one trip and be done with it.

Try consistency. Try chivalry. Try honesty. Try being genuine. I know it sounds simple but it works. There is someone for everyone and though your honesty may not draw in every girl…it will attract the one for you.

Baby boys – stop messaging a woman 10 years your senior bragging about how you could sexually satisfy, provide, blah blah blah…I’ve already stopped listening. That shit might work on the Beverly Hills housewives or the ragged but the smart ones are unimpressed and have no desire to be your sugar momma.

Older men – stay in your lane and don’t assume every woman younger than you wants a sugar daddy. Shop age appropriate and stop looking for arm candy or the next incubator for your seed.

Online dating didn’t work for me. That’s not to say it doesn’t work for other people. It’s 2014 and more people are meeting their future partners online than you think. Maybe the pickings are slim everywhere and I’ve just observed the best of the worst  online. Either way, I’m over the game. I’d rather not play and just say I did.

P.S.  A special note to the guys with kids who immediately act like a complete and utter piece of trash – you should be ashamed of yourself and I hope your child learns what a man should be from SOMEONE ELSE!

Here’s to being single.

I’m out.

3.1. I Write…

Because the ink is my air

And the words are my breaths.

Because it hurts to stifle the gypsies that dance in the catacombs of this mind.

Because the thirst is vampiric

Primal and raw.

Because nothing is so delicate as the clacking of keys

Stroking of pens

Slide of paper

Visions of a visionary

The bird that soars within me

Free to speak and preach and be

Free

To give and tell and share and project

Images onto the wall

Because they are real

Each character and place

The plot has happened within me

The souls linger

Begging to be recognized

Acknowledged .

Forget the rest. This is not about poetics but the dream within the dream that runs from a brutal reality of living nightmares.

This is my ladder out of the dark hole. This is my rope of redemption. Pulling myself from the grave I was shoved into from the womb.

Because of a family tree that has rotted and withered in the darkness of secrets.

Because I want to be more than a dealer, a player, a con, a liar, a manipulator, a thief, a criminal, a user, an abuser.

Because these words are the seeds to plant new trees.

Of shade and fruit

That will bare the souls of stories and stories of souls.

Because my son will NEVER go to sleep hungry.

Because my son will NEVER know the shame of monopoly money.

Because my son will NEVER hide in a school bathroom, stifling his own cries within a stall as the remnants of their words bloom into scars upon the fleshy self-esteem they devour.

Because my son will NEVER will never be asked to be a part of the con so tomorrow can be easier. And I still wonder if those debilitating migraines stem from her wicked demands of bashing a broken piece of wall against my adolescent skull because “you’ve got to make it believable so we can sue.”

Because my son will NEVER curl his toes to fit into a shoe two sizes too small while I live lavishly.

Because it is my job to use what I know, those voices, those stories, that pain, and the creative juices that flow through my veins like the blood that trickles from their lips to make something beautiful.

To keep a promise that his tomorrow will be the rainbow to all of my yesterdays.

Because the pain of my past is worth the glory of his future.

Because I will make this life count.

Because I will build the foundation of his greatness.

Because he will NEVER know those types of tears.

My hands slam against the keys with purpose.

With conviction.

Because my hands will do for him what no hands have ever done for me.

I write…

Because I have to.

2.41. Random Guy Message 136

Mariah and Nick…that’s all I’m gonna say.

Guy
5/29/2013 1:24:18 AM
like that song say cute pie ur the reason y
Me
5/29/2013 1:25:23 AM
I seriously have no idea what you are talking about.
Guy

5/29/2013 1:26:03 AM
… im saying u r very attractive sorry for the misinterpretation

Guy
5/29/2013 1:30:47 AM
what brings u to this site … u fine

Me
5/29/2013 1:37:39 AM
I heard you. I very much doubt we’re going to click.
Guy
5/29/2013 1:38:22 AM
y u can’t judge a book by its cover

Guy
5/29/2013 1:40:04 AM
don’t count me out i can b the guy to sweep u off your feet u can b mariah and ill b Nick

Me
5/29/2013 1:41:37 AM
Actually, I can do what I want. In this case, I am not judging a book by it’s cover but by it’s lack of articulation. If you were a book and I picked you up off of a shelf…I would need a translator to understand you. I would ask for a refund since nothing you’ve said is remotely grammatically correct. You may want to work on that. Seriously, good luck to you.
Me
5/29/2013 1:42:32 AM
Did you just put the ideal couple as Mariah and Nick? Your standards are far lower than I imagined. Good luck with that.
Guy
5/29/2013 1:49:15 AM
I apologize if i didn’t articulate my wording through an internet site, but if intellect and eloquence is what u want. I can be that too. You are gorgeous, and I didn’t mean to disrespect you. Internet courtship may not be me strong suit, but I would love to know you. Maybe another day.

The guy in the end spelled more complete words than the guy from the rest of the message…combined.

2.28 – Digital Dating Diary (Entry1)

Real messages from real people showing really sad attempts…

“Your son is very handsome , your not so bad yourself, im a single dad, business owner, and looking for someone to hang with in the little free time I have, so if your interested in rich Italian guys message me back”

“-May your wings lift you to the top of the world”

“Yet, a true happiness calls through the shadows of my loneliness stirring my heart to take again another chance risking pain once again….oh how I must find pleasure in the pain.”

“Priceless, you’re priceless!! No dollar amount can buy the joy & happiness you bring. You are the first lady worthy of a king, my queen. The moment I set eyes on you, I knew I would fall. You make it better! lets chat sweetheart, i would love to get to know U”

“Damn Lil momma any way u dig white boys”

“I wanna know you”

“Hello how are you doing and what movies do you like seeing and things like to do for fun maybe bowling; dancing; mini golf; playing pool; darts or anything fun like that just asking………………..”

“Hey I’m Brandon. I read your profile and you cought my eye. What is the first thing you look for in a guy? How’s was your weekend?”

“Hi i probably have no chance but i thought id balls up and message u and tell u wow”

“Wuz up. How u doin? Thought mayb we can chat n talk a lil get to know eachother hit me up.dnt b a stranger get at me”

 

I might be a bitch for how critical I am. But I’m not hoping for some random guy. I’m not hoping for some fair weather connection, intimate encounter, or sugar daddy. I want to fall head over heels in love. And so I wait…and laugh in the meantime.

2.27. Chambers

The simplicity of knowing skin is tiring…boring…undesirable. 

The complexity of knowing a mind is foreign and quickly weighing on a stone heart. 

A mix between hopelessness and hopeful prayers.

For something that will prove everything she ever believed to be wrong. 

For a glimmer.

A spark.

An ember. 

But fire cannot live and thrive from stone. 

From the cold caverns of a heart forgotten. 

2.26. Damn You, John Hughes

In light of my current read, Damned by Chuck Palahniuk, and the continuous reference to the John Hughes film, The Breakfast Club, I’ve decided to answer the detention assigned question in 1000 words. Here goes.

Who Do You Think You Are?

I ask myself this question time and again and the answers are numerous and yet nothing substantial for personal growth. It is always a reflection of where I came from, experiences that have influenced my life. So, I’ve come to believe I am my history. To answer in this way is to imply that I am what I was and therefore have no idea how to unearth the me I was supposed to be despite circumstance. But I suppose everyone needs a place to start and my history is all I know. So, maybe, in recollections, I will find the answer of who I am in the ashes of who I’ve been. 

I am the daughter of a con artist and a retired police officer. I am the step-child of a deceased Jewban who could probably answer this question for me better than I can. I am an incest and rape survivor. I am a diagnosed Bi-Polar/PTSD patient. I am an aspiring writer and an avid reader. I am a Puerto Rican female who does not feel connected to anything culturally, socially, mentally, spiritually, or physically. 

I am a divorcee. I am a problematic human being who delves into the deepest trenches of pessimism because optimism means I have hope and hope scares the crap out of me. I am a college drop out. I am a closet romantic. I am a scared little girl. 

I am a mother. I am a soldier for my son and his number one cheerleader. I am an example of all the things he should probably not want in a companion. 

Yo, this shit is depressing.

I am all of the labels I have ever been given over the years. And I am a trapped entity; unable to escape the baggage and drowning under the weight. 

I am a spirit lost in what I wanted and what is. 

I am a bitch when I think I have to be, which seems to be a lot. I am a woman willing to forgive but searching for my own forgiveness. Yearning to be cleaned of my sins that leave me in the spiral of hopelessness I continuously fall into. 

I am far more vulnerable than I am comfortable with admitting. I am weaker than I want to say. I am struggling to know why I am here. 

Perhaps I am still damaged from the ongoings of recent years. I am still buried under the pain of loss, death, failure. Perhaps I cannot answer who I think I am because I’m not ready. Because I’m scared to leave a page blank and admit that I think that’s all I am. A blank page. A nothing. A mistake. 

Nowhere near 1000 words and still no answer. But an honest, horribly honest start. Something to revisit. Something I will attempt again at a later date.

2.24. Parental Efforts

If you’ve gone through a divorce, you know life can be hard. If you’ve gone through a divorce with a child in the mix, you know life can be gut wrenching. But I have to tell myself, time and again, this isn’t about me. Revenge cannot exist when you have a child with someone because the only person you’d be punishing is the innocent. The one who didn’t ask for two parents who couldn’t resolve their shit.

I’ve been on the receiving end of the spiteful intent many times over the course of this divorce. I’ve been deprived of hearing my sons voice solely for the fact that it means so much to me. And as much as I want another to know what that agony feels like…I can’t.

He calls and I answer. But my son is somewhere between sleep and annoyance. He doesn’t want to talk on the phone and screams instead. The call ends. It could be just that. I answered. I did my duty. But is that all my duty entails? In my eyes, no. I sit with Hunter and talk to him. I ask him why he doesn’t want to talk on the phone. “I don’t want to talk to daddy because daddy is mean.”

And that breaks my heart. But I know my son can also say I’m mean because I won’t give him 5 cookies. So, I try again. I tell him that his daddy loves him. That his daddy called because he misses him and thinks he is very important. I tell him that his daddy is happy when he hears his voice just as I am when I call. I ask him if it’s okay to call daddy back and try again. He says okay. He calls and they share a moment on the phone. They laugh and say I love you. The conversation ends and it is good for them.

Now, my duty is fulfilled. At the end of the day, I may not like the person on the  other end of the line. I may feel that my son is being used as a pawn to punish me. BUT I know that despite my feelings, I cannot do the same things and feel good about the state of my soul. And so, I will encourage every phone call. I will encourage every visit. Because encouraging my son to love and know his father does not take away from our bond. It simply says that my son will know that I always put his needs before my own.

I can’t force anything. I can’t make strong bonds form. I can only nurture what is there. I can be strong for my angel and be there for him, to talk and work through the good and the bad.

Bottom line, we didn’t get stuck with each other. He got stuck with us.

2.23. Random Guy (A Convo via Facebook)

The following is an actual conversation that has recently occurred via Facebook. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not collect friends on Facebook. All of my friends are people I’ve personally met over the years, a rare set of gamers, and some artistic contacts. I’ve met a lot of people in my life so I don’t have a problem accepting an add. But if I come to find out that I don’t, in fact, know this person in any way…I delete.

I’ve had a multitude of experiences in which someone claims to know a family member or friend of mine and inevitably attempts to extract information or deliver sexual advances. Either way, I’m not interested and so I stay on guard when randoms appear. Call me a bitch for this convo, call me rude. I am protective of my world and those I allow in it. I will never apologize for that. Now, without further ado…

Random Guy

Hello  how are? I’m ***** and you are? (My FB has my name on it. Asking who I am is asinine). 

Me

You don’t know who I am but you sent me an add on fb?
Random Guy
Nope I don’t kno you, but I was hoping I could get to kno you I mean that is the point of FB right? Loll to stay in touch wit who you kno and to network and meet wit the ppl you don’t .. not bein a smart ass just bein Real think about it every friend you have today started off as a stranger at some point or another .. now wit that bein said I don’t wanna waste yo time or be thirsty I just simply want to kno you  I apologize got the kinda lengthy message (I hate people who cannot spell a word as simple as k.n.o.w. Seriously, it’s four letters. He doesn’t want to waste my time or be thirsty…we shall see.)
Me
Everyone I have on my facebook, I’ve met in person before friending them on this social network. Not to be a smart ass. I don’t use fb as a dating site.
Random Guy
Loll who said anything about dating you? ok so I’m not someone u met in person but that don’t mean I’m not someone you could meet .. I’m dye the amount of thirst you receive from dudes on here is annoying asf and I don’t wanna be part of that group loll I just seen someone I found interesting and instead of judging as book by it’s cover I decided to add you and introduce myself as I would in person (He found me interesting…really? Based on a picture, I’m interesting. Honesty, people, try it some time). 
Me
Okay, nice. Thanks. (This is me, not being interesting or interested). 
Random Guy
Wuss the worst that can happen , I turn out to be cooler than you expect and we actually have a friendship? Would u at least like to kno what I’m about I’m not like everyone else .. (Doesn’t get the hint. Thirsty much)?
Me
What response are you wanting cuz to be honest, now the long ass tirades are just annoying. (My version of honesty). 
Random Guy
I apologize for the long messages, just wanted you to get to kno me before u count me out not looking for any response So can u just have a conversation wit me and see where it goes? (Do people try this hard for a new “friendship?” Damn). 
Me
Nowhere right now. I’m going to bed.
Random Guy
Goodnight ..

Today

Random Guy

Goodmornin  .. how are you today?
Me
good (Still not interested). 
Random Guy
What u got up for today?
Me
relaxing at home. (I.E Noneyadamnbusiness.com). 
Random Guy
Yeah I feel you I’m of work today so I’ll prolly finish my song I been working on hopefully they don’t call me into the office loll how’s your Lil Mann? (This was clever in dropping the music/my career info. But I don’t care. A guy asking how my son is, a guy I don’t know from Adam…officially is in the ‘ya gone’ category. Guys think this will make a woman swoon or become more talkative. What it really says is, “you think my son is bait”). 
Me
He’s fine.
Random Guy
So tell me a bit about you? (Reminder: he added me. Why am I filling out the questionnaire? I don’t even feel like talking). 
Me
My fb says it all. (Leave me alone!!!!)
Random Guy
I wanted you to tell me instead of snooping all they to page (Did that sentence make sense? No, not really). 
Me
This is not intriguing to me by any means. How is it exactly that you found my page? (We have two mutual friends, I’ve already checked. They are both females I went to college with). 
Random Guy
Yo page popped up you seemed cool so I added you .. I ain’t tryna holla at you if you let yo guard down you would see that I’m just a cool cat tryna get to kno u (Tryna is not a fucking word! I just want to put that out there). 
Me
My page popped up? Right. See, when I dont trust someone because its obvious they are full of shit on their intentions, then I keep my guard up. How about you just hit delete and scope out someone else. (I.E You are coming off so damn thirsty right now and it’s seriously unbecoming). 
Random Guy
Actually yes yo page popped up in the ppl you may kno suggestion box .. I added you .. you ont kno shit about me to tell me I’m full of anything .. yeah you cute but you not all that to just be rude to someone like that my intentions were as stated previously now whether you believe that is not my problem but gettin wit you is and was not My intentions at all like I said to be friend someone you have to meet them first but you have a nice day Ms. ***** (He sounds mad that our friendship is over. I feel bad. Oh wait, I don’t. Why is me being cute relevant? Why is it an assumption that I think I’m all that because I don’t want to get to know this random guy who can’t speak properly? I’m crying on the inside from his painful words against me…)
Me
Who claimed to be all that? I dont want to know you. Period. Get over it.
If me saying I’m not interested in getting to know someone makes me a rude bitch…then a rude bitch is what I shall be. With joy and glee in my cold, black, dead little heart.
Wah wah wah, cry me a river.

2.18. For The New Year

Dear 2013,

Your predecessor sucked. I have high hopes for you and the possibilities you may bring.

  1. Finalize this divorce. 
  2. Move into a larger space so Hunter has his own room.
  3. GO TO DISNEY WITH MY FAMILY!
  4. Visit NYC with Hunter
  5. Get a better paying job.
  6. Take (at least) one college course.
  7. Start working out on the reg.
  8. Take a cooking/dancing/something class with my bestie
  9. Start a savings account solely for Hunter
  10. BUY HUNTER A DOG!
  11. Kiss the muse aka submit my writing for critique/publication
  12. Give Hunter everything he deserves.
  13. Be happy.

Sincerely yours,

…..

2.17. The Purpose of A Life

Fingers across the sky

Ten paintbrushes designed to nurture dreams.

Fingers digging in the dirt

Ten shovels to clear your path…

The path to get you there.

Kiss the wind and taste the air

in which aspirations bloom from seedlings of hope.

A mother is your river.

One that flows for you, ethereal child.

This heart of mine is yours.

I breathe, solely, for you.