Trial by Fury

They changed his name

And mine on that day

Slavery to racial profiling

To justice for some.

Eric Garner to Dead

Homicide to Suicide 

Systematic Racism due to 

A Consequential Qualification.

“I can’t breathe”

Unless you conceive 

I’m not a danger

In this hood.

These garments 

These streets

Are they one and the same?

Now I’m under cardiac arrest

With the duty to remain

Silent, every ounce of eumelanin

Will be used 

Against me.

Cuz you’ll take two seconds

To shoot my child

And use nineteen bullets to slaughter

My brother.

Self defense against

A toy gun and a wallet. 

I’ll get a casket and you’ll get

Modified duty.

I’ll make the “mistake” of running

For my life

And you’ll get target practice

In broad daylight.

What if I never 

Put my hands in my pockets?

If I never wore certain clothes?

If I laid down before you got to me?

“Sir, why did you shoot me?”

I don’t know.

What if I borrowed your gun

You could just hand it to me

Put a shot in my head

Keep this the land of the free.

In the home of the slave

“He looks like a bad dude.”

I know their talking about me

But they should be talking about you.

2.36. Rain

She will skim the surface

With blades of grass

To deliver the aqueous formula

Slow like honey

Heavy in hue

Trickling,

Drizzling,

Glistening,

Steady,

Pouring,

Clotting into hail

Her wrists are open

As cumulus clouds deliver surrender

A torrent of life

Laid to rest on the tiles of a bathroom floor.

2.33. He Kissed Me

And I felt like putty

Like the sky at 7:53am on a Tuesday while Bob Marley played in someones car…”No woman no cry.”

Like an empty bottle of creamy baby oil left atop an unused counter…waiting

Like a cool bottle of wine, uncorked but owned

Like a valley unpaved by mankind.

He kissed me 

And I felt like an orgasmic tigress

An unleashed heathen

A closeted slut

A pornographic master

A willing submissive

An intrigued Dom

Waiting Prey

The hungry predator.

He kissed me 

And floodgates opened

Unfaked

Unprecedented

Untouchable

Unknown

Unsure

Unleashed

Lips to lips

Exhales

Lips to throat

Inhales

Palms to palms pressed, fiercely, against cold brick

Lips to chest

Whimpers

Dreaming

Pleading

He kissed me

With every intent of staying

And fleeing

Gasping for more

My oxygen in his lungs

My everything in his hands

My world in his words

Anywhere

Anytime

He kissed me

And I was something else

Someone else

A vixen

A kitten

A little bit of both

A culmination of what shouldn’t be and what had to be

Lips to stomach

Staring at the back of eyelids

Familiarizing scents and tastes

Tongues sway

Linger

Hover

Lips to inner thigh

He kissed me 

And I watched him beg

To feel pretty lips

Below the hips

For one thrust

One drink

One…

One…

One…

2.17. The Purpose of A Life

Fingers across the sky

Ten paintbrushes designed to nurture dreams.

Fingers digging in the dirt

Ten shovels to clear your path…

The path to get you there.

Kiss the wind and taste the air

in which aspirations bloom from seedlings of hope.

A mother is your river.

One that flows for you, ethereal child.

This heart of mine is yours.

I breathe, solely, for you.

2.8. Quotes

Some are mine and some are borrowed. All are true.

It is of wasted body and breath to want to fix the world. It is with great respect I look to those who walk off the beaten path because it is never easy.

I am here not to validate or condemn a soul. The life I’ve chosen for my time here is mine alone and the only one that is my business. You take care of yours and I’ll take care of mine.

It is the human condition to love and want to be loved, it is the human curse to hurt others and to be hurt. We judge one another relentlessly yet wish not to be judged, a never ending cycle that shall bring us to our end.

Please don’t ask me about someone elses feelings, opinions, judgements, actions, etc etc as I am only one person and therefore I can only answer fully and without bias, for myself.

On that note, don’t ask me why I do what I do. If I thought it important enough to discuss, I would have by now. I do EVERYTHING for a reason, I just don’t feel the need to consult with ANYONE.
That is all.

“We must see all scars as beauty…take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.” – Excerpt from Little Bee by Chris Cleave.

If my mind doesn’t intimidate you, my mouth probably will, not for the faint of heart.

“Like uncharted territory, I must seem greatly intriguing…you’re not allowed, you’re uninvited.”

“I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you’ve been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.” – Andre Jordan

You must never shout at the concrete
You must always shout at the stars
Concrete cant hear you.

“Words need not endorse the obvious.”
AE2

I love life and the strange people in it. No two alike, eccentric and chaotic, mellow and mysterious, everyone is a story waiting to be read and Im the avid reader. I am continuously enthralled by the wonders these people show me, teach me, allow me to see, blessed to learn more about our universe everyday from the living stars amongst us. Don’t be afraid to know these people, to care about these people, to love these people. It is the divine gift we have been given which makes us human. Enjoy.

“To enter the mystery of timelessness is to enter the sanctuary of the here, where we are given a chance at every moment to begin our lives again. Not one of us is perfect, and sorrows press upon us all. But, the universe is a merciful one, in which unlimited opportunities for new beginnings are built into the very essence of things.”

Let us take our head out of the clouds and into the light. Dwelling on fears of loneliness only creates loneliness, rage begets rage, and chasing a dream only makes it run faster away.
“I know my destination, I’m just not there…”
YET

I always say something wrong
I always speak right when the thought hits me
I always offend at least one person in the room
I always talk too loud, too long, too fast
I always make people >.< o.O or =O
I always second guess the last 5 things I just did
I always do them anyway
I always share how I’m feeling, even if its ugly
I always fuck up
I always say I’m sorry
I always mean it
I always fall
I always get back up
I always want to win
I always lose
I always dream the impossible dreams
I always come back to reality
I always live in the past
I always want to be in the future
I always forget the present is the gift
I always care…even when I don’t.

It’s not what you say but what you mean
It’s not what you give but what you hold back
It’s not who you were but who you are
It’s not who you are but who you’ll be
It’s not what you do but why you do it
It’s not why you care but when you show it
It’s not what you know but what you don’t.

1%
That’s exactly how much of me you know. Judge that 1% Label that 1% Hate that 1% because not even blood knows the 99. It’s all in my head, all in my heart, all in my soul and you aren’t welcome there. These are the places you can never molest, never dictate, never contaminate. This belongs to me. *Locks the door and throws away the key*

You are full of fatuity…and so I forsake you.

“The writings easy, it’s the living that is sometimes difficult.” – Charles Bukowski

Dont play dead before you have to.” – Wally Lamb – The Hour I First Believed –

Sometimes, we sacrifice who we are for who we think we should be, who others will accept us as. In seeing friends/family/strangers battle this, in seeing myself battle this, I know nothing is greater then having self. Flawed; work on it…but don’t lose you. I wont. This is my face in my mirror, and I’m alright with seeing me.

“We’re always looking in the wrong direction. We ponder the stars while burning the earth, the bullet we’re running from is almost never the one that hits us.”

1.177 – Loving The Dead

“I’ll leave my heart here with you and you take care of it for me.”

Yeah, I’m alone but I’m never alone. And I don’t admire those girls walking with those guys…hand in hand and lost in their simple type of love. That earthly love that fails to conquer forever, that shatters never, that travels wherever.

Yeah, I’m alone but I’m never alone. And I don’t admire those girls listening to those boys while they spew operatic notes off silver tongues… rewind… repeat…fast-forward…repeat. That earthly sound that fails to emulate the unblemished accent of a thunderous voice wrapped in honey-suckle and lavender.

Yeah, I’m alone but I’m never alone. And I don’t admire those girls phased by the layers of courtship used to lather them up…that real flow lost generations ago…something now justified and yet so cheap. That earthly engagement that is built on the grinding of bodies and the bashing of souls…forgotten and bruised in the basement of some forgettable place on a street never to be known again. Nothing like the magic, the thrill, the enticing threshold of intensity fortified by wild minds, chaotic hearts, spurned addictions and delicious afflictions.

Because this world wasn’t ready for us. Because this world couldn’t handle our kind of love. A love that has no name in the English language. In any language. Except Sign Language. Because I was Braille. And you read me to the deepest depths of my actuality. Delving into the den of my secrets. Submerged in my crux. The part of me no one will ever know.

Yeah, I’m alone but I’m never alone. And I don’t admire those thieves of the heart. The ones who swoon and give away so easily. Those who take and toss aside the bountiful bunches of hope without so much as a second thought. Those who forget that devotion is forever. The flame of two hearts, two souls as they collide cannot and will not be snuffed. Not by time, not by space, not by the demise of the rare angels that walk amongst us.

This heart I have is not meant to be given. Because this heart I have is not mine. This is the gift you left me – the one I will guard with my very being. And mine…mine is in your hands…somewhere on the cusp of heaven…hell…and forever. Wait for me, love. Wait for me and the time when our hearts unite. Yours in mine and mine…yours.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow. 

1.175 – When You Are Happy

When you are sad, I will swim with you in an ocean of tears and become your life jacket when you are ready to let go of the feeling.

I will listen with an open heart..an open mind and hold your hand through every storm. 

When you are cold, I will become the fire that heats you…embers gifting you with a warmth to remind you that you are never alone.

I will cast away all shivers of doubt and worry with a blaze of assurance at a moments notice. 

When you are sick, I will make you the foods that fulfill your soul, play melodies that will morph into blankets of healing, and sing sunshine back into your frail little body. 

When you are lonely, I will appear in the twinkle of the stars, the sway of the leaves and the blossoming of every flower. Every raindrop will be a kiss from me to you and every tick of a clock will be my I love you. 

When you are afraid, I will slay every monster and capture every dragon. You will live atop a mountain of safety as I shatter the glass of darkness, turmoil and pain of this world. Glass you will never have to touch. 

When you are tired, I will lay down a thousand and one bedtime stories of your happiness, your love, your growth and triumphs. You will lay upon the stories of joy and wonder and fall into dreams of hope. 

When you are grumpy, I will do all the silly little things that make you giggle and tickle you until you hit the highest pitch of laughter known to man. 

I will shower you in jelly belly droplets and strawberry shortcake swirls, in fruit punches and sun kisses. 

When you are lost, I will shine upon you the radiant beam of the moon, to find you in the darkest hour. Whether a lifetime away or simply two feet…whether you are unfound or just feeling unseen…I will hold you in my heart and cast love and light upon your name. 

I will dim the light when you do not want to be found, though I will never turn my back, I will give you the space and time you need. 

When you are happy…oh when you are happy. I will bask in the glow of your joy and relish in the wonder of your smile. I will count my lucky stars for having the opportunity to be your mother and thank my lucky stars that you chose me. Saved me. Taught me what love means. 

When you are happy.

Inspired by When You Are Happy by Eileen Spinelli.

1.158 – The Man On The Mountain

She sits.

She waits.

For something that will never come, never to be seen, never to be known and yet she cannot move.

In an endless hope, agony runs in the back of her mind beyond the seeds of elation, resting in marrow embedded with guilt.

Rivers of blood run deep, coursing through the stone, locked for eternities to come.

They build atop themselves, sheltered from light.

“Why am I deserving, love? Why should I ever know? Nothing should be so divine against me. Not after such perilous roads traveled.”

But he sits and listens, casting aside judgment though she is stricken with the thought of it, deserving it, awaiting it as it should so be delivered. But he does not, as he never really would.

The silence in his arms is deafening; a constant reminder that she doesn’t have to be on one end or the other…not perfection but not chaotically flawed.

In this room, in this space, upon his lap, within his arms…she is safe.

Stained but not tainted.

As even in the dark, he does not see the shadows of a past, the darkness of fallen moments, the marks of sins against man.

He does not point these out, he does not stare with doubt.

He sits quietly and lets her feel, reminded only that she is still alive and waits for the moment when she will smile again and be at peace – not with the world but with herself.

In this dark room, this dark space, upon his lap as night has fallen, she does not have to be flawlessly beautiful.

He sees her scars, knows them to exist despite her best attempts to hide them. Placing his hand upon her cheek, he shows her one or two of his own and smiles softly…ridding the shame from her eyes.

1.154 – The Captives Struggle

Clink Clink Clink

The wardens gone and the keys fall

Like dirty water down a drain

This is my freedom

My time to cast away the darkest of shadows

Mistaken for my skin

This prison was mine

A life sentence deterred by a lapse in judgement

And just when you weren’t looking

Warden…I’m gone.

Almost.

Not quite.

Clink Clink Clink

That’s the sound of my shackles

With the keys just in my reach, they mind as well be transparent.

Freedom

Have you seen it?

Can you hear it.

It’s against the bosom of slaughtered babes.

It’s that tidal wave of sunshine

That ripple effect of heat

A mirage in the desert.

Clink Clink Clink

Warden, will you notice?

Will it matter for one less?

Perhaps not

But something causes hesitation in me

Where to go

What to do

Who to see

What life to follow?

Freedom

Have you seen it?

Can you hear it.

It’s against the bosom of slaughtered babes.

The metal is in my hand.

Crisp. Clean. Solid. Pure. Ready.

Returning it to its place upon the ground

Slinking back into my cell.

Warden, you will never know

I had the chance

A chance I did not take

With nowhere to go I recede into a black stricken corner

Awaiting my next lashing

Because I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Because I’d rather stare at four walls than be lost in a world of endless pitfalls.

Because I’d rather know what’s going to kill me than to await the unspoken…

Clink Clink Clink

Freedom

Have you seen it?

Can you hear it.

It’s against the bosom of slaughtered babes.