2.42. NaNoWriMo Is Almost Here

Camp NaNoWriMo is on its way and I’m determined to start and complete the challenge this summer. Last summer was a complete bust and I stopped before I really got started…though I don’t think my heart was ever really in that project. This year, I have made myself a few promises…all of which I intend to keep.

  1. Outline this project until I just can’t outline anymore.
  2. Brainstorm until it hurts.
  3. Write down all thoughts, big and small, that may come to mind during prep.
  4. Treat June like a pre-game.
  5. Read like a madwoman.
  6. Submerge myself in the writing community to the best of my ability.
  7. Read more blogs geared toward writers.
  8. Meet participants of NaNoWriMo
  9. Use this blog to write about the journey.
  10. Be honest about the journey.
  11. Start the damn project.
  12. Finish the damn project.
  13. Enjoy the ride.
  14. NO EDITING.

With that being said, if you read this and plan on participating, have a blog about writing, know a blog about writing, love a blog about writing…I ask that you comment and share a link to said blog. Leave your twitter/fb page/social media outlet so I may follow a fellow writer.

Many Thanks.

2.23. Random Guy (A Convo via Facebook)

The following is an actual conversation that has recently occurred via Facebook. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not collect friends on Facebook. All of my friends are people I’ve personally met over the years, a rare set of gamers, and some artistic contacts. I’ve met a lot of people in my life so I don’t have a problem accepting an add. But if I come to find out that I don’t, in fact, know this person in any way…I delete.

I’ve had a multitude of experiences in which someone claims to know a family member or friend of mine and inevitably attempts to extract information or deliver sexual advances. Either way, I’m not interested and so I stay on guard when randoms appear. Call me a bitch for this convo, call me rude. I am protective of my world and those I allow in it. I will never apologize for that. Now, without further ado…

Random Guy

Hello  how are? I’m ***** and you are? (My FB has my name on it. Asking who I am is asinine). 

Me

You don’t know who I am but you sent me an add on fb?
Random Guy
Nope I don’t kno you, but I was hoping I could get to kno you I mean that is the point of FB right? Loll to stay in touch wit who you kno and to network and meet wit the ppl you don’t .. not bein a smart ass just bein Real think about it every friend you have today started off as a stranger at some point or another .. now wit that bein said I don’t wanna waste yo time or be thirsty I just simply want to kno you  I apologize got the kinda lengthy message (I hate people who cannot spell a word as simple as k.n.o.w. Seriously, it’s four letters. He doesn’t want to waste my time or be thirsty…we shall see.)
Me
Everyone I have on my facebook, I’ve met in person before friending them on this social network. Not to be a smart ass. I don’t use fb as a dating site.
Random Guy
Loll who said anything about dating you? ok so I’m not someone u met in person but that don’t mean I’m not someone you could meet .. I’m dye the amount of thirst you receive from dudes on here is annoying asf and I don’t wanna be part of that group loll I just seen someone I found interesting and instead of judging as book by it’s cover I decided to add you and introduce myself as I would in person (He found me interesting…really? Based on a picture, I’m interesting. Honesty, people, try it some time). 
Me
Okay, nice. Thanks. (This is me, not being interesting or interested). 
Random Guy
Wuss the worst that can happen , I turn out to be cooler than you expect and we actually have a friendship? Would u at least like to kno what I’m about I’m not like everyone else .. (Doesn’t get the hint. Thirsty much)?
Me
What response are you wanting cuz to be honest, now the long ass tirades are just annoying. (My version of honesty). 
Random Guy
I apologize for the long messages, just wanted you to get to kno me before u count me out not looking for any response So can u just have a conversation wit me and see where it goes? (Do people try this hard for a new “friendship?” Damn). 
Me
Nowhere right now. I’m going to bed.
Random Guy
Goodnight ..

Today

Random Guy

Goodmornin  .. how are you today?
Me
good (Still not interested). 
Random Guy
What u got up for today?
Me
relaxing at home. (I.E Noneyadamnbusiness.com). 
Random Guy
Yeah I feel you I’m of work today so I’ll prolly finish my song I been working on hopefully they don’t call me into the office loll how’s your Lil Mann? (This was clever in dropping the music/my career info. But I don’t care. A guy asking how my son is, a guy I don’t know from Adam…officially is in the ‘ya gone’ category. Guys think this will make a woman swoon or become more talkative. What it really says is, “you think my son is bait”). 
Me
He’s fine.
Random Guy
So tell me a bit about you? (Reminder: he added me. Why am I filling out the questionnaire? I don’t even feel like talking). 
Me
My fb says it all. (Leave me alone!!!!)
Random Guy
I wanted you to tell me instead of snooping all they to page (Did that sentence make sense? No, not really). 
Me
This is not intriguing to me by any means. How is it exactly that you found my page? (We have two mutual friends, I’ve already checked. They are both females I went to college with). 
Random Guy
Yo page popped up you seemed cool so I added you .. I ain’t tryna holla at you if you let yo guard down you would see that I’m just a cool cat tryna get to kno u (Tryna is not a fucking word! I just want to put that out there). 
Me
My page popped up? Right. See, when I dont trust someone because its obvious they are full of shit on their intentions, then I keep my guard up. How about you just hit delete and scope out someone else. (I.E You are coming off so damn thirsty right now and it’s seriously unbecoming). 
Random Guy
Actually yes yo page popped up in the ppl you may kno suggestion box .. I added you .. you ont kno shit about me to tell me I’m full of anything .. yeah you cute but you not all that to just be rude to someone like that my intentions were as stated previously now whether you believe that is not my problem but gettin wit you is and was not My intentions at all like I said to be friend someone you have to meet them first but you have a nice day Ms. ***** (He sounds mad that our friendship is over. I feel bad. Oh wait, I don’t. Why is me being cute relevant? Why is it an assumption that I think I’m all that because I don’t want to get to know this random guy who can’t speak properly? I’m crying on the inside from his painful words against me…)
Me
Who claimed to be all that? I dont want to know you. Period. Get over it.
If me saying I’m not interested in getting to know someone makes me a rude bitch…then a rude bitch is what I shall be. With joy and glee in my cold, black, dead little heart.
Wah wah wah, cry me a river.

1.191 – Here’s A Theory

People are so dependent on social media outlets; Facebook and Twitter, that they have truly forgotten what it means to keep bonds strong. What were people doing before Facebook became the sole proclamation of relationships? Did anyone ever pick up a phone, write a letter, send a card, make an in-person visit? I’m beginning to think such a time is just fantasy. A distant memory that might just be a fabrication.

I’ve recently made the decision to clean my friends list. After deleting fifty people I barely knew, barely spoke to in person…I realized my list could still be cut in half. If not more.

There are only four reason you add and keep someone on your friends list:

  1. You love, like, genuinely care about their life and happiness.
  2. Business.
  3. You want to keep tabs on someone.
  4. You want an audience to broadcast your “greatness” to.

Out of the 200 people left on my list, I’d be sad if I lost touch with 22 of them. I don’t do business with anyone. I’m certain at least 5 people remain friends with me to keep tabs and I don’t need an audience to the greatness of my life. The sole greatness of my world is my son and the people who love him keep strong bonds with him 100% outside of social media since my son is too young to acknowledge or appreciate the internet.

We’re in a world where superficial friendships are accepted, even encouraged. I was caught up in that ideology. Bigger is better, more has meaning. It doesn’t.  I’m on the path of quality over quantity and I’m uninterested in popularity.

I want sincerity. 

22. What’s your number?

1.174 – Crying For The Bus Monitor

Poor Karen Klein. A 68 year old bus monitor sits in tears while a group of complete assholes harass her while she rides the bus with them. The video is up on youtube and is ten minutes of pure verbal abuse. These kids call her “fat ass” a countless number of times. They talk about stabbing her, shitting on her, telling her that her family should kill themselves. It is absolutely, positively disturbing.

Who the fuck made this okay? When the fuck did it become alright to abuse people with such malice, with such joy and glee? These kids…no…these little spawns of Satan are laughing as they flick at this woman and call her name after name. They enjoyed the pain they inflicted. I want to cry for Karen Klein but even more so…I want to beat the ever living piss out of these sad excuses of human beings.

These punks act like they are untouchable and verbally spew out hate to such an appalling degree…I would be sickened to see their sorry ass parents. My hands are shaking, I’m that perturbed by this.

My son is only 2 years old. I know that this bullying epidemic is only going to get worse through the years. I don’t know what war I will have to fight in the future but I know that teaching my son to respect people, to never judge people and to behave in a manner he can always be proud of starts now. It is my job to raise my son to be different. The good kind of different. To defend those that cannot defend themselves. To stand against bullying and hate with conviction.

I hope Karen Klein knows, in her heart, that those children and their words do not have a leg to stand on when they said those horrible things. I hope she knows that she is a good person, and despite the pain she felt…she did the right thing by not acting out toward those punks. They will suffer for their actions. They will suffer for their hate.

People are angry by this. As they should be.

Ms. Klein – thank you for the lesson. “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Truer words have never been said. I know, in my anger, I cannot write soft spoken pleas and prayers for those kids. I cannot shrug it off or assume it’s all going to be okay. I don’t wish harm on those kids. I wish for justice. I wish they would learn a lesson before something drastic happens to make them realize.

It seems like the only time things turn around in these bullying cases is when someone does end their own life and people suddenly feel guilt for their involvement. But it’s not even guilt. Because having that feeling ONLY when you get into trouble is not guilt. It’s regret. That you got caught.

I don’t know if those kids are too far gone in their ignorance and hate to be fixed. I don’t know what their lives are like. I know the media isn’t helping the cause. Have we created these monsters? Is there a cure?

Yes. And sadly, I don’t think so.

1.119 – Throwing That Middle Finger In The Air

Warning: This is a rant. I curse a lot. If you can’t deal – keep it moving. 

Oh no, there she goes posting another status update

Oh no, there goes another five pictures of nothing

Oh no, there goes another countdown.

Here’s the thing. Do I bitch every time you’re latest 15 updates are of fucking farmville games and redundant hokey quotes? Do I say one damned word when you post some lengthy spam – pass this shit on because you should be as bored as I am – nonsense? Do I make a peep when you go wah wah wah he doesn’t like me oh wait I’m “in a relationship” every two days?

NO, NO I DO NOT.

Do you know why I don’t?

Because your social media outlet is just that – YOURS. And if I don’t want to see it –  I WILL DELETE YOU. So do me the fucking favor – DELETE ME!

I’m sick of fake ass people who send adds because we knew eachother way back when but you don’t have the decency to answer my simply put fucking question. Bitch, I know you saw what I asked. Don’t play stupid. I’m sick of people who try to make me feel silly for counting down to MY WELL EARNED VACATION. The last time I got on a fucking plane, it was to go get my dad cremated. So if you don’t like the fact that this bittersweet vacation is exciting to me and it’s all I want to talk about because all I want is to go home to be closer to my family and a life and culture I love and miss with all of my heart but I can’t because I’m trying to be a good mother so I stay in this shit-box called Kansas so my son has his father – well, I’ve got two words for you. PISS. OFF.

I’m so over people who consider me rude and in the next act consider me too sensitive. Fuck off. I will be a rowdy ass when you cross me. When you come at me wrong. When you try playing with me like I’m just another person to laugh at. Here’s the thing…I am not your punching bag, your punchline, your form of amusement.

If you don’t like how I talk, think, act, walk, dress, etc etc etc etc…KBYE.

I will post 50 pictures of my son in the same damned pose…BECAUSE I CAN.

I will post everything that excites me, scares me, worries me and motivates me…BECAUSE I CAN.

I will not play your game. I will not be who you want me to be. I don’t need your approval. And quite frankly, I DON’T WANT IT.

I’ve said my piece. You want silence. You got it. Be careful what you wish for.

1.88 – No More Casualties

Dear Hunter,

I knew, when I carried you in my belly, that this life would be a hard one for you to live. It’s becoming harder and harder for people much younger and younger. Today, mommy read something about a young girl who ended her life because people were mean to her and she felt alone. Which is why I’m writing this letter to you, one of the hundreds I will write over the years.

That young lady took her life, in mommy’s opinion, for many reasons. People were not nice to her. She felt alone. Her parents missed the mark. I know I will mess up as a mother. I will fail you and in turn, you will make mistakes I should have prepared you better for. But I’m going to try my hardest to make those failures as few and far in between as humanly possible.

Baloo Bear, you’re not always going to like me. I’m not going to play the part of one of your “buddies.” It is my honor, duty and privilege to be your mother, your soldier, your advocate, your confidant. After all of that, I am your friend. But never before and never in its place. I cannot and will not give you everything you want.

I will do my best to teach you how to defend yourself with your words and physically, because sometimes, you might have to defend yourself against the ugliness of peoples hearts. I will do my best to teach you to be kind to others, to base your reactions on actions versus assumptions. I will do my best to teach you that you are loved no matter if you are straight, gay, artistic, non-artistic, soft spoken or loud as all hell. I will do my best to give you what is lacking in this world right now.

I will push you to be your best. I will be nosy. I will ask you where you are going and with whom. I will probably drive by to check. I will not let you have a computer in your room. You will not have a cell phone unless you can foot the bill. You will buy your first car which will probably be a piece of shit. And you will value it that much more because you will have earned it. I will remove your door if need be. I will not get you the newest whatever when you already have things JUST BECAUSE your friends got the new junk. I will encourage you to be yourself despite the crowd. I will nurture your passions to the best of my ability.

I will remember that I was a kid once. That I was self-conscious of my apparent poverty, of my looks, my thoughts, my feelings. I will remember that I wanted my independence but I also wanted to know my parents cared. I will remember that I thought I knew it all at a very early age. I was wrong about a lot. But I still believed. And it took lessons learned to show me otherwise.

I will live my life and let you live yours, under my guidance and helping hand. I will let you stand alone to be the best damn man you can possibly be.

I will emphasize education, articulation, respect for yourself, for women, for elders, for animals, for this earth, for children. I will teach you that respect 9 times out of 10 MUST be earned. I will emphasize that you only get ONE life.

I love you, Hunter Daniel, to no end. I will fight the good fight for you, beside you. You will resent me, hate me, call me mean and evil. I hope, someday, you know – I will do what I can to give you something better. I don’t need you to think I’m cool. I need you to respect me. To appreciate the message I hope to spread.

I will lay down my life for you, if thats what it takes.

I will not, and I repeat, will not bury you.

Love, Mommy.

This letter is for my son. This letter is for every child I have never met. It takes a village to raise a child. Our village, this country, is failing as our children become bullies and victims. We fight terrorism around the world. Our neglect as parents is the true terrorism. I fight for the end of the casualties. 

1-31 – Ask Yourself This…

Lets take a break from NaNoWriMo for a second, shall we?

This is a very personal rant. I’m not about to talk about random people who annoy me. I’m not about to make any humorous digs. This is raw, hand shaking frustration. And I’ll explain why I’m sharing this with my readers at the end.

Here is the short story: guy and girl get separated, guy and girl already have a child together, guys family (for the most part) acts like girl and child do not exist. Guy gets injured (nothing major) girl posts update because she knows word will get back to guys family, guy is completely okay, girl gets phone call from guys mom asking how guy is doing because she herself cannot get a hold of guy. And here’s where I’m royally pissed off.

You don’t call me to ask how my son is doing. You don’t call me to ask if my son needs anything. You don’t call me to ask if you can see my son. You don’t call me to show any interest in any way for this human being. You do call that guy frequently and bring me up in conversation. You question my mothering abilities. You question what I do, where I am, if I can take care of my child. You talk nothing but garbage about me. How do I know this…because your son shouted you out, thats how.

You can degrade me for the sake of talking about someone. You can point your hypocritical religious fingers at me because I refuse to believe in the same things as you. You can say I’m damned to hell and so is my child. You can say whatever you want because, apparently, you are an expert on life itself.

Here is why this is inspiration to me. You are exactly what I don’t want to be. You are a the image of the type of mother, human being I truly wish to avoid becoming and I’ve met some crappy people in my life. You inspire me to work to no end to be a better person on my own so that I don’t have to depend on my son when he is older to give me purpose in my life. You remind me that my son cannot be my crutch. You remind me that my son will become his own man and at some point I will have to let him go and live life all by himself!

You remind me that evil comes in all forms. You spent years pointing a mirror at me so I would hate my own skin, my thoughts, who I am. You should have flipped that mirror around and stared into the true reflection of sadness. I pity you.

If you know my number, buck up and call to ask how my angel is progressing. Ask if he’s talking yet. Ask if he enjoys playing with others and how his manners are coming along. Ask how his asthma is doing and if he’s a happy child. Ask if he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is loved. Ask about that! And ask yourself this…when you call your son and he doesn’t answer you…when he avoids talking to you or seeing you until he truly has to…ask yourself why. Because you are poison.

You can call me damned because I don’t follow your belief system. I know you are damned, here on this earth because you lack the one thing every mother needs to know to breathe – that your child respects you and loves you to no end. I may be lacking in many things, but this is not one of them.

Poison can be inspiration. It forces us to move and grow, to better ourselves so we can stop the cycle. Poison inspires me to be a better woman, a better writer, a better mother, a better human being. I may not be there yet but I am on my way.

I will kiss the muse. You can just kiss my ass.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress…and I’ll return to NaNoWriMo.

1.25 – Meh

Today is definitely one of those meh days. I worked and that was just tons of fun (insert sarcasm here). I wrote some ideas down in my notebook for today’s post and yet…here I am. I’ve got nothing.

I started an account on LiveJournal.com (Skylah1053). Don’t feel the need to check it out just yet, I didn’t post anything since I have no clue how to use the site. I’m sure I’ll figure out how to find some communities and authors to read. I’m just meh at the moment.

I checked out a book from work, some Young Reader book called Floors. I’ve decided to try and stick with the genre as I head into NanoWrimo since I’m writing something in that genre. Don’t ask me why but it made sense at the time when I made that decision.

Can I just say that if the oven is beeping and I’m making a cappuccino, I CANNOT walk away to open the oven. You should do it. You should do something. Anything. It’s called work for a reason.

Okay, I’m over it now.

I had a good conversation with a regular today. Very insightful. She’s the one that filled me in on livejournal and archiveofourown.org though I have to admit, I haven’t gotten as far as the second one yet. If you’ve been paying any attention, you’ll recall that I’m meh.

I should have bought the damn red velvet cheesecake.

Looking at all avenues of writing, of finding ways to share my thoughts, my ideas…sometimes I get excited. And other times, I tell myself that this is just a silly blog I’ll do for a little while until it fades out. I hope that’s not the case. And when I’m not so meh, I’ll explain why. But I really feel like laying on the couch now and vegging out to some Lockup: Raw (it’s about prison life, not porn).

Okay…I think I’m done. Kbye.