3.16. Successful Rant

She stands at the podium…waiting in silence until the clearing of someones throat brings her back to the pressure point. All eyes on the girl, all focus on her shortcomings and the fact she’s unprepared. The music has fallen short; magnifying her comings and goings that have propelled full steam ahead into the success of a nobody. She stands at the podium and tries to avoid eye contact, searching the matrix for some escape route but things like that don’t exist in places like this. She is quiet and time passes, awkwardly and uncomfortably. The timer stops and she removes herself from their ridicule and disdain…though they are silent…she can smell it, sense it, feel it…taste the annoyance.

They asked her to speak of what it felt like to be successful.

She’d said not a word.

1.42 – The Truth Behind The Dream

I just finished the last post and now I’m all teary eyed.

I’m having a vulnerable exposed moment here so bear with me.

I can talk about how much I want to be a writer. About how much I want to be heard and seen and respected. About how I want to leave something behind for my child and take care of my family.

But I know, it’s much deeper than that. In the middle of that list I wrote “I’d bring my father back from the dead.”

Yes, I want to be an accomplished writer because I’ve dreamed it since I was seven. Yes, I’ve always thought words on a page would be my greatest gift to the world.

But, and I admit this with the sullen face of a young child, I want to succeed so I can make people stay. OH HELL, NOW I’M CRYING.

But this is apart of the journey, isn’t it? The truth.

I want people to want to stay. I want to raise the dead. I want people to see beyond my walls and mean exterior. My sarcastic defenses and my snarky remarks. I want people to see the girl. The one that’s been hoping someone, anyone will care unconditionally. And I want to make those people live forever.

I want what I cannot have.

But I want it, nonetheless.

I’m just a messed up girl who has some issues. Okay, a lot of issues. And I’ve watched myself morph into this “I don’t give a f” attitude or the “I care too much” attitude. Both have done me no good at all. Because at the end of the day, I’m still without that feeling. Freud would say it’s because I didn’t get something in stage one or two. Some people would say, “everyone has a hard life, get over it.”

And both are probably right.

I don’t know what it is that I need. I just know that I’m always striving for the unknown light. I want to rewind the clock and feel important and heard from day one. If no one could listen then…maybe in writing and being recognized…maybe I’ll be important and heard now? Who knows. Maybe I’ll never really get that but my journey will give my son that feeling I never really knew but in those rare moments.

I’m just a sad girl. A girl who writes because it makes me feel. Just feel. My son and the words. The two things that keep me alive. May they know I love them unconditionally and I hope they feel the same.

1.41 – Not If But When

I’m in a mood. You have been warned.

And because I like writing lists on here…I’m writing another one. But this one is all about me because I said so I don’t care if you don’t like it because this is my spot, not yours, so there – neener neener neener.

(I was going to start my list off with “IF” but decided I need to project more of a positive outlook on my future so I’m going to say “WHEN.”)

WHEN I BECOME AN ACCOMPLISHED WRITER

  1. I will write an extended thank you letter to all of the very few people who have actually been supportive beyond the “oh, that was nice” followed by an awkward smile.
  2. I will write a huge F U letter to the people who pretended to care at all but really didn’t and then I wont send the letter because I wouldn’t waste a stamp on the phonies.
  3. I will do a happy dance, which will last for exactly 3 days, 2 hours and 46 minutes. Because I can.
  4. I will send a copy of a royalties check to the woman who gave birth to me with a large note, which will read : ALL MINE BIZNATCH. DON’T YOU WISH YOU DIDN’T ABANDON MY ASS!?!
  5. I will take my son on one of those disgusting shopping sprees in which he will pick out things he wants/needs/thinks is shiny.
  6. I will take my son to the children’s ward at a hospital and he will give half of everything he got away to those kids who never get to go home.
  7. I will buy my sister a kidney. I’ll just go shopping and buy one. So she can live for like…ever.
  8. I will fly to Italy and put flowers on my best friends grave.
  9. I will buy my son a home he never has to leave.
  10. I will take some homeless people to an expensive restaurant in a ritzy area and let them order whatever they want while all of the stuck up snobs fidget in their chairs because they aren’t sure if cooties are still contagious.
  11. I will find one single mother on Gun Hill and Hull and buy her groceries.
  12. I will bring my father back from the dead.
  13. I will create a college fund for my son and if he doesn’t want to go to college – he can get half of the money and travel the world. Or as far as the money takes him.
  14. I will take the time to travel with my son, learn a language, swim with dolphins, go whale watching, and dye garments in India.
  15. I will do everything I never thought I could do for the past 27 years.
  16. I will buy an RV and just drive.
  17. I will send my nieces and nephews on a trip anywhere in the world.
  18. I will pay off all of my sons fathers debt, so he can start his life with a clean slate.
  19. I will buy a loft in NYC and fill it with art and books and books and art.
  20. I will promise my son that he will never know my struggle – and keep that promise.
  21. I will send my sister on a vacation in which someone takes care of her every need. She’s never known that freedom.
  22. I will remember everyone who has caught me when I’ve fallen and compensate accordingly.
  23. I will be respected for my voice, the chaos of my mind.
  24. I will be better.
So, it looks like I’ll have to become James Patterson or J.K. Rowling to do what I want. Yeah, lets be realistic; that’s not going to happen. But a girl can dream. And hope. To make a difference. To make a mark. To change lives and offer opportunity.
When I become an accomplished writer, I will introduce people to a different voice and new possibilities. I will take people on journeys they have been waiting their whole lives for. I will leave my son a legacy he can be proud of. That last one, as much as I want the rest, is the most important. Here’s to going for the dream. One word, one sentence, one paragraph and page at a time.
(This one was pretty therapeutic for me. I was pretty pissed off at the beginning of this post. Just the random stress of day to day nonsense. And I get fed up, just like everyone else. But, as the list progressed, I recall why I’m doing all of this. Because there are people who will need me to be someone. I cant fix everything and make it all picture perfect. But I can damn sure try.)